Q: I recently had a blowout with my 24 yo stepson. He had come over with laundry for his mother to do and I had made some comment about why he doesn’t do it himself. In truth I don’t even know why it bothers me that he brings his laundry. But, he’s recently graduated collage as a PHARM-D and I resent the fact that he’s still leaning (mooching) off of his mother and I for things he should be doing on his own. My question is two-fold in that I don’t realize why watching him rumage through my fridge or hand his mother laundry makes me so mad in the first place, and that I feel powerless to stop him from doing anything in my home because whenever I say anything to him about how I feel he argues with me about why he has a right to do it, because it’s his mother’s house too. I married his mother after he was 21 and don’t have any children of my own, so I don’t feel like he has any rights in the home I’ve made with his mother, however, I do understand his need to come visit her and feel welcome when he does. I just feel like I’m not being treated like the man of the house…
A: It seems to me that you and your wife need to have a long-overdue talk about how to help this boy grow up. It’s not at all unusual for an only son of a single mom to develop the idea that he is, in some ways, his mom’s partner. It was just him and his mom for many years. From his point of view, he’s the man of the house and you are the interloper. But things have changed. He’s grown up and she’s remarried. He hasn’t caught on to those facts so it is up to your wife to set him straight.
I hope, once she thinks about it, your wife will see that loving her son now is about helping him to be independent and modeling for him a healthy relationship with a spouse. She needs to let him know that childhood stops for everyone at some point and for him that point is now. At 24 and with a degree, there is no reason for him to be handing laundry to anyone. He is past the age for “shopping” out of parents’ cupboards or expecting maid service. You and your wife might agree that he can help himself to what’s in the fridge but he’s still expected to say please and thank you. Your wife also needs to back you up if you draw some limits on his behavior. Once you and your wife are clear and act on that clarity, the young man will learn to respond in a more appropriate manner.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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