Q. I was hospitalized at 17 with a drug induced psycosis for two weeks after using majic mushrooms. My whole life fell apart as it was exam time. I decided to move to the U.S.A. with my boyfriend. We were married, had two beautiful children and for 5 years I coped well. Taking care of both my daughter and son virtually o my own, plus 9 moves over that period made the illness resurface. Not to mention, some pretty charasmatic church practices we were involved in. being a Catholic and then converting to my husbands born again Christian group was a dramatic change. I moved back to Canada to be with my family and found that 5 years of the intense stress and change, was too much. I was raped by my husband (non consentual sex) and was hospitalized many times and put on medication. He also left me for another woman and impregnated her within a two week period after he kicked me out of the house. I believe at that time it was Olanzapine. Needless to say, I had to deal with the past, and the trauma. At first I had mental Health Workers working with me, I had family services making sure the home environment was O.K. I was forced to send my chyildren to child care and had to report to a councellor. I felt like a villian when my ex who hid everything went undescovered for the rape because I had no ability to verbalize what had happened. 7 years later I am now running my own business, but still find it hard to face this difficult past. I want to feel well, but the demands of raising my 11 & 8 year old is getting more and more demanding. Their father is still in town and treats me as though I am crazy. He hides his guilt and wants to make everyone believe myself and my family are crazy. I feel I should press charges but I don’t know what will happen to my children, or if they may turn out worse because of it. It’s a tough delemma. When i am busy with them, or working or with my family I feel O.K. however if there father phones or they go to see him I have an emotional breakdown. I’m planning to move in 9 mo. to to go to a new city, for school purposes. What can I do at this point? I have full custody and guardianship, but he has reasonable access. Which means I have to give him my address if I move. I also have my support system where I am. My parents are here and my councellors ect. How should I proceed? My illness has gotten better over time, and I’m able to function O.K., but I know too much stress and emotional pressure can lead me to a breakdown. How can this move be made successfully? Honestly I don’t want him knowing where I am, because i feel pressure. The police have been contacted for several reasons including violence, but they don’t seem to respond unless someone is hurt. I’ve had payed lawyers of my own that wouldn’t even approach the aspect of deporting him, they just wanted to get custody aranged. i can’t believe how long this has taken already. I won’t give up my business because it’s art and my expressive outlet, but it seems any time a new man comes into my life or I go back to school I start loosing it all over. What do you suggest I do?
A. As you have indicated, this is a complicated situation. If you do move, you will be losing your support system, your counselors, and maybe your business and possibly, your ability to function at an optimal level. Leaving all of this support is not healthy for you or your children. I cannot stress enough to you the importance of having a support system. Your support system is your backbone and you will need them when times are rough. If you move far away, you will not have access to your support system so easily and that is worrisome. Making this move could be enough to set off your stress levels and create enough instability to cause you an illness relapse. Also, what about your children in this situation? They would be leaving their support systems as well. With this move, they will have to leave their home, their school, their friends, and their grandparents. Everything they know and find comfort in will have to be left behind. If you all move, and you become unstable, then who will they turn to for support? Also, wouldn’t they miss their father? If you are moving to get away from your children’s father, no matter where you go, if he wants to see his children and he has a legal right to, then you are going to have to let him by law. If it is the law that has certain custody rights of his children in the city in which you currently live then the same will hold true in any city you live in. If the primary reason that you are moving is to get away from their father, then you should realize that their father, if he wants to, will be able to find and visit his children any time he wants. It does not seem that moving will solve your problem. It seems that moving will only cause you great instability and possibly cause you to relapse. This puts you and your children in a dangerously precarious situation. There has to be other ways to handle this situation in your home town. My suggestion is to find a way to work out these issues that does not include you moving. Moving should be the very last resort since moving can cause you and your children great unnecessary distress. Talk this over with your counselors and lawyers. Try to find a way to stay and if you have to move, make the move but only do so if you and your supports see no other choice. I wish you luck. Please keep me informed.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Sep 2006
