Q: I have been married to my husband for 3 years, I have 2 children from a previous marriage and another child I had on my own prior to my first marriage. My ex and I have joint custody of the two younger children each having them half of the week, this works out fine between us, there are no problems. I take care of my older son myself because he is not my ex’s child. That being said, it is understood in my relationship with my current husband that these children are not his, in that he does not take any financial responsiblity for them, this came about in the beginning of our relationship somehow after we got married and we were discussing the paying of the bills. I did not have a father, and so I don’t know how things really work in terms of male help in a family. In my last marriage I supported the family because my middle son is autistic and so it was hard on me to work and take care of him I made more than my ex and so it was easier for him to watch the kids and me work, I worked and still had to deal with a lot of school stuff, attorneys, psychologists and things to get help for my child, my husband basically just stayed at home and took care of the kids, after several years of this I got worn out and tried to get my husband to go to school so he could get a better job, this wasn’t happening and I just felt like I was in over my head and so I left the relationship. After three years on my own I got remarried. The first thing that happened was my new husband’s parents invited us for thanksgiving dinner then disinvited me and my kids, my husband still went. I felt horrible about this of course but because my husbands parents are older in their 80s I thought maybe it’s their age and I tried to let it go. Then after a year, of which time my kids did call his parents grandma and grandpa, they told them to stop calling them that, that was upsetting and I called them on it and so now the kids can call them grandma and grandpa. So, there’s some stuff with his parents that is uncomfortable from time to time. As far as my husband goes, if I am in a financial jam I can ask my husband for a loan. But I’m starting to wonder if this is a marriage, I don’t know what to expect of him as a husband, it seems that all through our dating everything was split financially including dinners, dates, even our wedding. There is a part of me that thinks this isn’t right, because he makes a lot more money than I do perhaps he could help me out more. He has started to take the kids to school a couple of times a week and take my older daughter to her hobby, and he does pay for that hobby, I will say that. But when it comes to dental bills, doctor stuff, schooling, clothes, all of these things I am on my own, sometimes it’s tough. Recently we had our taxes done, and because of my dependents we get a tax break, it ended up where I overpaid taxes and what I overpaid went toward what he owed, the tax man said he should pay me the difference, I asked my husband about this and he became very sad and sulky saying he needed to make more money, I felt bad and said just forget it, it’s okay you don’t have to pay me, then two weeks later he tells me he is opening a 6 month money market account with a huge amount of money involved, in the 5 digits. I was like, huh? Then I started to review several things in the relationship and realized that I have been hanging onto several things that have occurred, i.e. when we first got married he had a friend who was a girl who he used to live with, and I found out he was borrowing her money, last years taxes I ended up paying 3,000 which I don’t think was right, his tax man did the taxes, I don’t like to be picky about money but something isn’t right here, there are some other things that don’t involve money that it’s like a whole other e-mail. So, what’s my question… I guess I have a couple. One is what is right in a marriage–when someone marry’s you do they help you with the responsibilities you have, like in my case with my children? Two, how can I let go of past hurts, like what he did with his ex, by lending her money, I have a hard time letting that go, and I have a hard time letting go what his parents did, too. I don’t know if I’m hanging on to these past hurts because I’m trying to say, uh, look, this guy is not treating you well, here are the examples, or if I’m hanging onto things to sabbatoge the relationship. He seems very hurt by the idea of my being upset with him over this last tax incident, he said he was willing to go to counseling but I feel both worn out and up in the air–this last thing was like the straw that broke the camels back for me… though I hate the idea of making a break for the sake of my kids, I don’t want to put them through that again. The haunting question is, am I looking for things to break up this relationship, like some kind of unconscious sabbatoge or are there things there that I see and am having a hard time admitting to myself for fear that I have yet again picked the wrong man to be with… Thanks again for your help.
A: Every marriage has a “deal” that is usually established while the couple is dating and in the first few years of marriage. That deal includes the stated and unstated ideas about who is responsible for what, how the two people will behave toward each other and as a couple, and how they will interact with the extended family. Almost any deal will work — as long as both people agree and stay true to it.
Problems come about when one or the other peson wants to change the deal. That’s what is going on here. You made a deal that is based in your own insecurity about what you are worth and whether anyone would truly be an equal partner with you. You did the same thing in your last marriage — and maybe in the relationship before that. It’s as if you believe that you have to do all the heavy lifting to have a marriage. You pick up boulders and only expect your partner to toss a pebble or two on to the pile.
It seems that it’s beginning to dawn on you that maybe you could have a different kind of deal. You are understandably getting tired. You continue to care for three children, one of them autistic. You are working, doing the bulk of the household work, paying most of the bills, case-managing your autistic child, negotiating with the younger children’s father, etc., etc., etc. It makes me tired just to think about it. It’s not unreasonable for you to be looking for a more equitable distribution of labor, money, and responsibilities. Your husband may not be the children’s father, but he is their stepfather and he could be another important role model and support for the children he decided to share his life with when he married you.
Your husband may not want or be capable of a different way of being married. From his point of view, he (and apparently his parents) made a deal and he is keeping his end of the bargain. You, on the other hand, are telling yourself in lots of different ways that you would like to renegotiate. I don’t know how he’ll respond if you get clear with what you want and ask for it directly and unambivalently. Maybe he loves you enough and values the family enough that he’ll make some compromises. Maybe not. But once you know, you will be in a better position to decide whether this is the marriage for you.
I do want you to know that there are lots of decent men in the world whose idea of marriage is two people working side by side, sharing equally in the work, and sharing in the rewards. Maybe you are growing enough in self-respect to want that.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 15 Sep 2006
