Confusion over husband’s behavior

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: First up, I want to know what are all the indications of a husband cheating on his wife. Me and my husband have been through some
traumatic times in a brief period of our married life. We have been married for only 1 year now and life has got tough already. My husband is a handsome
guy who thinks too high of himself. He has had many female friends in the past and he denies having an affair with any of them except one (supposedly
not physical). But, when I was scanning through his mailbox the other day I found some mails his friends wrote to him associating him with another girl
who is a divorcee. She has also been close to his family before our marriage. He claims of not having any relationship with her but has worked with her for about 1 year. I even had an indication that they shared a personal mailbox. He has been receiving messages on his cell phone from other girls too which he deletes right away. On asking, he tells me he finds them unimportant (I go to know about them through the itemized bill) and that those messages are official. I am in a fix whether to believe him or
not to believe him.
He beats me up over small issues and has regular fights with me. But, he is nice to me otherwise. I have not really heard him talk to other females but there’s a gut feeling he does in my absence. How do I
get to the truth without resorting to extereme steps like detectives and stuff? Please please please help me. I am at the verge of killing myself because of all this but I dearly want to save my marriage.

A: To be only married a year and having such a tough time must be enormously disappointing and heart breaking. I’m so, so sorry you are feeling so desperate. But this man is absolutely not worth either killing yourself or torturing yourself further with doubts, suspicions, and efforts to find out if he’s having an affair. He beats you, fights with you, and lies to you. Frankly, it doesn’t matter if he’s having an affair. He is hurting you terribly and you don’t trust him. That’s enough of a reason to pull away from this marriage. Your love and commitment deserve far more respect than he is giving you. You deserve to be loved and cherished. No one deserves to be hit. No matter how nice he is to you at times, the bottom line is that you can’t trust him to treat you with enough love and respect to make a good marriage.
Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or online at www.ndvh.org. They have counselors available
24-7 who can talk to you and help you decide what to do. You are young, smart, and loving. You deserve much, much better.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Sep 2006

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). Confusion over husband’s behavior. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 29, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/09/07/confusion-over-husbands-behavior/

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