My Stepson Keeps Lying

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
August 27, 2006

Q: I am the step parent of six year old boy, who is about to turn seven in September. He has been through the divorce of his parents when he was three. He lost all of his toys and possessions at the age of three when his mothers apartment caught fire while they were on vacation. His mother has really nothing to do with him, as he lives with his father and myself full time. His mother is supposed to have visitation everyother weekend, yet we recently found out that on the weekends she is supposed to have him she is leaving him where ever she can, so she can go out. she never calls to speak to him, and very rarely attents any of his sporting events or functions. I am pregnant, and due in late October. i was put on disability early in the pregnancy due to being diagnosed with Lymphadema and severe sciatica. Due to being out of work, I was able to stay home with my stepson for the summer instead of putting him in daycare. He has been giving me a harder and harder time lately, with the lack of listening to me, the lack of respect for me and my authority, and his growing rate of dishonesty. His lies to myself and his father range from trying to lie his way out of trouble, to lying about everyday, little things that it is not even neccessary to lie about. He lies about something everyday, and we are at our wits end. We punish, we take tv or toys away, we talk to him, and all of this gets nowhere. I am with him all day, and I am seeing this metamorphasis more than anyone because I am here all day everday. I treat him as if he is my child I always have. I take him to the pool, I take him to the movies, i buy him toys and schoold clothes and supplies. I do dole out punishments, and his father and I back eachother and work as a team. His paternal grandmother however, who is always around, is always contradicting everything i say or try to accomplish with him, and she does it right in front of him. A few doctors and teachers have said they think he is ADHD, but he has not been formally diagnosed as of yet. His primary care physician and I have talked about modifying diet, and using other methods as opposed to medicating him. We have cut back on sugar intake, and make sure he is eatting more natural foods. This is another aspect his grandmother is not on board with, and makes it ver hard to follow through with the diet when she is pushing coke and m&m’s. How do we deal with the lying, and misbehaving, and the outside forces working against us, and come out of this with effective solutions?

A: I’m impressed with your many efforts to get things on track with your stepson. This little boy’s loyalties and love are being constantly pulled in two directions. His bio-mom isn’t giving him the love and attention he needs from her. You most definitely are. But he has to go live with her regularly. How does a little kid make sense of this? I have a few guesses about what’s happening with him psychologically. He may feel that he is being disloyal to his mother if he has a good relationship with you. He may be testing you to see if you really, really love him - no matter what. He may be bringing behavior that works with his mother to your house. The lying may be a way he gets attention from her. Or it may be that he has figured out that lying does get extra attention from you. He may wonder if you will still care about him when you have your own baby. Take a step back and try to analyze the situation from his point of view. That may help you decide how to handle him.

To make things even more complicated, his paternal grandmother is having some kind of indirect fight with you by sabotaging your efforts with the boy. I wonder what that’s about.

You said that you and your husband are acting as a team. That’s terrific. Without his backing, there would be little you could do. Has he talked to his mother about how to be part of the team? Grandma needs to be brought on board. Whether or not she agrees with you, it is disrespectful to you and your husband for her to insist on doing things her way when you are trying out different approaches.

Then you and your husband need to take some time to talk about how you are going to reassure the little boy that he’s part of your family; that you need him to be a big brother and to show a baby how to grow up; that you love him no matter what. Talk with him about whether he has any idea why he lies so much and what you can do to help him stop. Ask his if he understands that there are lots of other ways to get your attention. Above all, catch him being good as often as you can, give him lots of hugs, and keep your own perspective. He’s only a little boy and he needs you.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie