Q: About 3 years ago my current boyfriend and I fell in love. We had already known each other for years because him and his girlfriend were friends with my boyfriend and I at the time. Our previous relationships were on the rocks and we began to confide in each other. We left our parnters for each other. It was a very traumatic and emotional time but were determined to make it work because of how deeply we felt for each other.
The part that makes everything so difficult is that she was pregnant at the time. My bf is and has always been a very involved, loving and attentive father. We live together now (for about 1+1/2 yrs.) and his son stays with us approx. 3 days per week. I love his son too and treat him as if he were my own child. The problem is that my boyfriend still has a tremendous amount of guilt about how everything happened. The only resolution in his mind is impossible. He wants his son to live with him or he feels he will never be happy. This is not an option since he obviously does not want to live with his son’s mother.
I know he loves and cares deeply for me through his words, actions and commitment. But this is preventing us from moving forward with our previous talks of marriage and more children. Now he isn’t sure he even wants more children because he thinks it would be unfair to his son. He says these are all things he needs to work out on his own but doesn’t seem to be making any progress. I try to be understanding but I think he is obsessing about things. Maybe that isn’t for me to say, and I don’t, but this is affecting our relationship. I feel like us and our future have been put on the sidelines because he has these overwhelming feelings about his son and the situation. Does this sound like something that can be resolved with time and/or therapy?

A: If your boyfriend could resolve this on his own, he would have done so. He’s stuck because he thinks he is caught between two people he loves dearly, his son and you. He thinks he has to make a choice but neither choice looks possible – or happy.
The problem is the way he is thinking about his options. A good therapist will help him define the problem in a different way so that he can solve it. So, yes, yes, yes, point him to therapy if you can. If he won’t go, go yourself to get things started. Often a reluctant person will eventually go if a partner does a little of the preliminary work of telling the story and getting to know the therapist.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Aug 2006