Q: I have bbeen struggling with how to deal with my past and having a relationship with my mother who has been extremely abusive. She is once again out of prison for a drug offense and wants me to come and see her. I want so bad to have a mother and a relationship with her that I seem to sacrifice my feelings to get any attention from her, whether it be good or bad. I have horrible dreams every night of what I have experienced. Being tied up and beaten and burned to being sold for drug money. It just goes on and on. The abuse has affected every part of my life. I just don’t know what to do.
A: It is absolutely understandable that you are confused. Every child wants to love her or his mom. But no kid should have to experience a childhood like the one you describe. You are caught between your longing for a real mother and your anger that she hasn’t been one. The feelings are far too complicated for a simple answer. I don’t know if your mother has confronted herself honestly or if she has genuinely apologized to you. I don’t know if she wants a different kind of relationship with you as much as you want it or if she is willing to work on it. And I don’t know if she has made a life for herself that will help her stay straight. I worry that your desire to have a mother-daughter relationship might blind you to signs that she isn’t really interested in changing. The best help I can offer is to recommend that you find the local chapter of Al-anon. That organization has a long history of helping family members of recovering alcoholics and drug addicts support each other and learn ways to be in relationship without again getting caught up in cycles of abuse. You might also want to see an individual therapist to help you work through the experiences that are haunting your dreams so that you can get on with your life without fear.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Aug 2006
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). abusive mother is out of prison again. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 21, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/08/13/abusive-mother-is-out-of-prison-again/
