Q: I am 21 years old and have been married for a little over a year. A couple years ago while my husband and I were living together and sharing my computer I found out that he was suscribed to an internet porn site. Some people may not think this is a big deal, but I do simply because he was hiding it from me. He apologized and claimed that he only did it to try and prove some guy at work wrong about something stupid. Now, about 6 months ago, I found stuff on his computer (we each have seperate laptops) again. So I confront him and he screams at me and says “Are you happy now? I told you not to dig around in my computer.” The stupid thing is about this whole thing is that I really would not even mind that he looked at porn, just not on the internet, and I wish he wouldn’t hide it from me. I’ve told him this. I’ve even offered to watch videos, or look at stuff with him. Well, he promised again that he would never do it again. Now, I am locked out of his computer by password, and he will not let me use it at all. I am fearful that he is hiding more than just porn from me. Am I overreacting? I am very hurt and I do not trust him. I have tried to come to him and tell him, but all he does is blow up. He doesn’t understand how it makes me feel and when I try to tell him he doesn’t listen. When we fight it’s very volitle. He generally throws out the word divorce first, and simply because he does I throw it right back at him, and then he thinks that I am the one that wants a divorce. I am concerned that this whole thing might lead to him having an affair whether it’s on the internet or off. I just don’t understand why he locks me out of his computer and expects me to trust him. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing as far as I am concerned. When I ask him if he is okay about me not trusting him he just shrugs and says there’s nothing he can do about it. This is just one of our problems in our marriage. But it is a major one for me, because if I don’t have peace of mind, than what do I have? I am afraid that if he does not try to help me out here that we will end up in a divorce, and I really really do not want that. So what should I do? I want to have a good solid relationship with my husband and I feel like he doesn’t really care one way or the other. Help me please. Thank you.

A. This is so, so sad. You love your husband and want a trusting, solid relationship with him but he is essentially leaving the relationship up to you. This is like one hand clapping. It’s siimply not possible. A good marriage requires trust and effort by both partners. So I’m very worried about you two. You already know that your marriage is in trouble. It’s not about the computer. It’s not about the porn site. The problem is the lack of trust. Your husband responds to your feelings with anger and accusations. Rather than work toward understanding, you both get volatile and start talking divorce. Unless you start making some changes, I’m pessimistic. You really need to find an experienced marriage therapist to help you both keep your tempers and start hearing each other. Google the American Assn of Marriage and Family Therapy and your state to find a list of therapists who are experienced in couple work. Your marriage deserves a chance.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Aug 2006

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). My husband secretly goes to internet porn sites. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/08/07/my-husband-secretly-goes-to-internet-porn-sites/