Q: : I am an 18 year old white female and i happen to be only attracted to black males. My mother is racist and absolutely does not accept, allow or condone my preference. This has made us grow very far apart from each other and I am very unhappy. I know in my heart that she is wrong for having this belief and interracial relationships are 100% okay. I don’t know how to face this or deal with it. I have tried several times to tell her how I feel, try to make her understand and to compromise with her, however, she won’t budge. She is set in her ways and her thoughts. Can you help me on this? I am at a loss on what else to do. I know i am going to marry a black man and I don’t want her to hate me for it. Please help me. Thanks!
A: It seems to me that you are trying to force your mother to change her beliefs when it is all very abstract right now. People generally don’t change because someone else wants them to. They change their beliefs because they have a new experience. Scolding, accusing, and judging very rarely softens someone’s point of view. If you fall in love with a wonderful African-American man and it is clear to everyone that he truly is wonderful and especially if he treats your mother with respect and wonderfulness, she will probably bend. She doesn’t want to lose you any more than you want to lose her. My best suggestion is that you back off for now. She knows how you feel. You’ve prepared her for the very real possibility that you will marry a person from a different race and you’ve given her time to work on it. In the meantime, focus on finding a guy who is mature enoug to be willing to put up with some negativity until he can win her over. The last thing you need is for two people you love to be stubbornly against each other. I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Jun 2006
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). Mom Doesn’t Approve of Inter-racial Marriage. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 19, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/06/27/mom-doesnt-approve-of-inter-racial-marriage/