Q: Five months ago, my sister moved out of her house. She and her husband have been married for almost six years. All of my information that I know has come from my brother-in-law, because she will not talk to me or my parents. She has only contacted me through email or voicemail and it has been only a few times. They have been going to counseling and she said she has been seeing a therapist on her own. Last month they went on vacation and she said she wanted to move back in with him, but lately she is backing down. She was supposed to see him last Saturday, but instead, she sent him an email and told him that the marriage was through. He went to the place where she has been staying with flowers and a note. She did not answer the door. Again, she sent him an email and told him not to contact her anymore or she will get a restraining order. I don’t understand what would make her swing from the thought of moving back in and then to say that the marriage is through. He was caught off-guard by this. I am very worried about her, but she lives 3 hours away. What could possibly explain her swings in thought process?
A: Your sister is fortunate indeed to have a sister who cares so much about her. There are lots of reasons someone swings back and forth on a decision. She may be ambivalent about her decision; she may be working up the courage to go or stay; she may be afraid of the consequences of either decision; she may be protecting her privacy. I can’t know from a letter. And you can’t know from 3 hours away.
The good news is that she is keeping in touch. The other piece of good news is that she is talking with a therapist so is getting some support.
You didn’t tell me what you think of her situation. If you are at all on one side or the other, it would be hard for your sister to talk with you. Whichever decision she makes, she needs to feel that she is doing it from her own heart and mind, not because she is either wanting to please family or because she is feeling judged.
My best advice to you is for you to email her and let her know that you love her, that you are confident that she will make the right decision for her, and that if she wants to talk it out with you, you won’t judge her. Of course, only say that if you mean it. Then be patient. On the other hand, if you have a strong opinion about what she should do, the best thing to do is to stick to the part about loving her and keep your opinions to yourself unless she specifically asks for them. I’m pretty sure she will come back to you when she is ready.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Jun 2006
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). Worried about Sister. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 14, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/06/07/worried-about-sister/
