Q: I’m a 22-year old female and I’ve only had two boyfriends, both before I turned 18. Every time my boyfriend would touch me or kiss me I would feel disgust and shame and guilt afterwards. I never told them this. I barely admitted it to myself. I thought that there was something wrong with me. There was one episode of child abuse when I was young and I’m not sure if that could be the problem because I am comfortable recalling it and talking about it. I’ve also seen a sexual abuse therapist but I stopped because I thought that I came to terms with what happened. I was also single at the time and had forgotten somewhat the feelings of disgust that I experienced before. I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder. I am a virgin and have a strong desire to have sex, but anytime I’m close to it, the feelings of disgust bombard me. I should also mention that I was raised mostly by my conservative grandmother who viewed any act of the sexual nature as disgusting and wrong. Of all these things I’m very confused as to what is causing the problem most or whether it is a combination of all these things. I don’t know where to begin to get better.
>
A :I’m sure this is very troubling. Issues around sex and sexuality are rarely settled in one round of treatment. The good news is that you already did an important step toward getting better. You are able to recall and talk about the abuse. That’s an important foundation for the piece of work you need to do now. As you said, you were single and not involved in a potentially sexual relationship when you were in treatment before. Now you are 22 and you would like a relationship that includes sex. I suspect this is triggering a great deal of anxiety.
If you liked the therapist you saw before, I suggest you give her a call. The advantage of returning to her is that she already knows your story and you can get right to the new business. I have a guess that in your mind, the abuse confirmed all your grandmother’s teachings that sex is wrong and disgusting. The problem with things that are taught to us when we are young and vulnerable is that we do take them in. I’m sure that, being human, grandma was wrong about many things. And I’m sure that her attitude about sex was one of them. I can only guess that she didn’t have a good experience with sex herself and was trying to protect you. Unfortunately, she was “protecting” you out of one of the most meaningful and tender parts of a relationship with a partner. It’s time to thank grandma for all the ways she was good to you and let go of things that are left over from her own disappointments.
What's Related
- Other posts by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
- Should I hide therapy?
- How do I get my husband to get into therapy?
- Am I Addicted to Therapy?
- Chronic stealing, like it will make me feel better
- Convinced I have BPD and someone to talk to
