Constantly Suicidal

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. I am lost. I feel I have reached the point of no return. My grades suffer. I had 4.0 and I fell to 3.75; it is the fourth semester I drop and that was my last semester before I transfer. I lost my financial aid, scholarships, acceptance to the university of my choice, and the faith my professors had in me that I can succeed. Everything is lost and everyone (I do not really have anyone, but a couple people I know — including my therapist) seem tired of me. I am so lost! I am in therapy for two years for depression, and I have experienced what my doctor calls dissociation and depersonalization. I took 40 sleeping pills two years ago, but I was not hospitalized (I was let to go few hours later). Almost two months ago, I took 16? tylenol PM and I spent twelve hours in the ER and I was involuntarily admited for the 72 hours hold. My doctor asked them to let me go after my request. My doctor seems nice, but we argue a lot, and he thinks that I do not ever give him credit for anything. (Part of it is true). Even when he is really nice or helpful , I do not say anything. I am afraid to say anything. I argue with him often (however, not constantly like before and I am not as much afraid of him as before). I am still suicidal everyday. I could gulp a bottle or two of pills in a few seconds and think nothing of it — especially after these two times, it is easier for me to do it. I am not as scared. (I have tried before, but not so seriously)I just feel so very much tired that killing myself to me is like getting a good night’s sleep without having to wake up the next morning. I am afraid to sleep the night, and I am afraid and tired to see the next day. I am Christian, but at this point killing myself would be like going to my God to find comfort in Him. I am so tired. Sometimes, I thought of going to a hospital, but I am afraid that they will not let me talk with my doctor, and I cannot talk with anyone else (I can hardly talk with him). Also, even if they would let me , he would not talk to me because he is in private practice, and he is not involved with hospitals. Maybe, I could ask him to still treat me, but probably a hospital will not accept that. Plus, I am sure he would never do it, and I am afraid of my relatives, and work, and everyone else. Sometimes, I want to scream that I do not care about what anyone says, I need help and I am tired and this is the truth, but I cannot. I want to die every day — even when I seem to be happy. It is only because I am so exchausted and because I have nothing, and I am losing even the few things I worked hard for — like college. I truly have reached the point of no return. I do not know how to get back. I need help, and I do not know what to do about it. I am lost, and I cannot trust my doctor completely. I do not know what to tell him. He thinks that I do not want help, but I am scared. I laugh and talk, but noone knows what I am going through exactly — not even my doctor. I am much worse than anyone can imagine or see or understand. I do not even think my doctor understands how bad I am. I just want to scream that I am not well,so he can listen, but I cannot. Even lately, I struggle not to take the tylenol I have next to me. There are still pills thrown over my night stand that I struggled not to get. I am exhausted emotionally. I want to die to get some rest, peace. I go to work pretending everything is fine, and as soon as I am in my car I start crying. I am afraid that if I do not get better soon or start talking more in sessions, my doctor will give up and he will not want to see me anymore — I should not blame him because I am pretty stupid, but I will not be able to handle it. I go because he is friends with one of my professors otherwise I would not. If he gives up I am lost. I have reached the point of no retunt.

A. In your mind, you believe that if you commit suicide, you will meet up with God and have a peaceful life on the “other side”. But the truth is you have no idea what death holds for you. None of us do. What if you are wrong? Shakespeare, for example, speculates that those who commit suicide may go to live the antithesis of peaceful life, living essentially in an after life of the same thoughts and turmoil that you tried to escape. What if Shakespeare is right and you are wrong? Your assumptions about peace after suicide may not be correct. You must consider the fact that you really do not know what death will bring you.

You mentioned the fear that if you did not stop crying and hurry up and get better, that your doctor would not want to see you anymore. I can’t imagine that your doctor would stop seeing you if you did not “hurry up and get better.” If your doctor is a quality doctor, I highly doubt that he would abandon you during the time that you are in the most need of his help. If he would, then you need a new doctor. If you are not comfortable or cannot trust your doctor, then I strongly suggest getting another who you feel can help you.

You have many options but suicide is not one of them. Why give up your life, when it’s the most precious thing you have, and it can become a happy life? You once had a happy life and it is definitely possible to return back to that happy life. You must believe this because it is true. You can re-enter and finish college when you are feeling better. Giving up now is extremely premature. Virtually all people suffer in life to extreme degrees and for extended periods of time. Life is far too precious a gift to reject. Life is precious. You are life. You are precious. Never forget that, through the painful time leading to your recovery. Keep me posted. I hope you have heard my message. Kristina

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 May 2006

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2006). Constantly Suicidal. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/05/19/constantly-suicidal/

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