Q. My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. We have had our ups and downs with regards to our sexual relationship, but otherwise everything else with our relationship has been almost perfect. I am concerned that our problems with our sex life are escalating. Before we got married, he showed some tendencies to what I would consider an abnormal interest in sex. He pushed me to be with someone else sexually before marriage and I did that to please him, not me. At that time, it did make sense to me since I had never been with anyone else that I should experience what it would be like with someone else. I also thought that maybe by doing that, he wouldn’t ask me to do it after marriage. After those experiences with another person, he would ask me on a regular basis to describe my actions and would be very aroused at the details. He then pushed me to do it again after we were married. I did have oral sex with another man repeatedly, but after I had done it, I was afraid to tell him, even though it was for him, because I didn’t want to have to relive it over and over again. I also felt very guilty for having done it. I did not allow myself to be touched by the other person to make myself feel better about doing it. This went on for about six months until I decided to put an end to it. Many years later, my husband confessed to me that he had cheated on me repeatedly before and during our marriage. He was coming clean so I then told him about my experiences. As I suspected, I have then had to give every little detail about what happened just about every time we have had sexual contact with each other since then. He also told me that he had watched me with the other man a few times (before we got married). He told me that he wanted to focus on me completely and would try to satisfy all his sexual needs through me alone. He tells me on a regular basis that he has been faithful and that I am the only one for him. Because of that, our interactions sexually instead of once or twice a week are every day to just about every other day. For fear of him going elsewhere, I commit to sexual intercourse regularly when I don’t feel like it. He has started to develop mood swings and signs of anger when I don’t feel like reliving my experiences with him. It seems now that that is the only way he can satisfy his sexual cravings. He also constantly asks me to tell him all of my sexual desires and my sexual thoughts during the day. He asks me if I masturbate at work or in the car. Sometimes I make things up because honestly now, I don’t like to think about sex very often anymore. He is now pushing me to either have oral sex or intercourse with someone either with him present or by myself to satisfy his needs. He says that he would do anything for me and he doesn’t understand why I won’t do the same. He would be happy to share all of his sexual experiences with me, but I am not interested. He has even recently said that if I can’t satisfy his needs, then he may have to seek outside help again. We spend many nights struggling with this for 3-4 hours in the middle of the night. We have a 16 month old daughter and I have a very intense job as a veterinarian and I would just like to have a normal life. My life with him before he mentioned the sexual affairs seemed more “Normal”, but I know that was just a facade. I am desperate and don’t feel that I can talk about my problem with anyone for fear of being judged. I have mentioned seeking counseling to him of which he is completely opposed. He thinks that we can work it out if I just compromise. He does not see that he has a problem, and I don’t know what to do at this point. I have actually considered giving in to his requests, but I don’t really want to and I know that it will never be enough. His sexual addiction has not interfered with any other aspect of our lives. He is a very hard worker, he helps maintain the household and helps with our daughter’s care, and he acts completely normal outside of the bedroom. Lately, however, when he drinks socially, he is a lot more moody and demanding. Anyway, I am babbling now. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.
A. Relationships are about compatibility. That is the simple truth. Your relationship is by your own evaluation very good outside of the bedroom. It is good because you are both compatible in your expectations and behaviors in non-sexual times. In sexual times you have an incompatibility. Perhaps you would like me to say that your husband is an “addict”, thus requiring he change to become “normal.’ If I said that to you I would be saying that the two of you would reach compatibility by his changing to your sexual desires and that would be like saying that yours are more correct than his. There are many women who would agree with you and there are many others who would love to have a husband who would allow them to have sex with as many partners as they chose to. If your desires matched his, there would be no problem here.
If you are sure that you would not like outside sexual relationships then there is no compromise possible. If you might truly like some degree of extra-marital sex then a compromise is possible. Without passing moral judgment, it is sufficient to say that there are many types of sexual relationships between couples. Some involve adding outside sexual partners, some involve complete abstinence from sex, some are completely monogamous. Those are the facts. Sexual drives are very strong and are best dealt with by honesty and open discussion. If you were to do some research I think you would quickly find that there are many men who find it sexually arousing to know or observe their partner having sex with another person, male or female. He likes it, that we know and we also know that he will most likely always find those thoughts arousing. You must give this all very careful thought but you must not end up doing something that you are opposed to. I would recommend separate counseling sessions for both you and your spouse with the same counselor. Do not go together. Please keep me informed of your situation.
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