Q: I have a long distance relationship that isn’t progressing and I think it has to do with my guy’s fear of change/commitment. I met a man through work over a year and a half ago. He was a client and we used to speak over the phone on a regular basis and over the course of six months became friends. One day he called me and noticed I didn’t sound like myself so he asked what was wrong. My husband had just walked out on me and I was a wreck. He spent the next weeks/ months sending me joke emails or calling periodically to see if I was ok. About three months after my husband left I stopped dealing with the divorce and started dating here and there. Nothing really came out of it, but then I went clear across the country to meet him. Surprisingly we had a wonderful time. Being around him was very easy and comfortable, we are very compatible sexually, I met all of his friends and got on well with all of them, and I just had a great time. I have seen him twice more since last year, we talk on the phone at least once per week, we email and text message on a regular basis. We talk about our lives, friends, careers, family, politics and religion. We
talk in general “relationship” terms. Very rarely does he tell me he misse me yet he’ll send me a text of just my name. He’ll email me the comment “xxx” which is a tattoo I have. He’ll tell me he misses the fish,
but doesn’t realize the fish is connected to me. One conversation recently he actually said he wished I lived down the street so we could see each other, he described a great little domestic scene. I’ve been working through my divorce and I’m in a much better place and I’m ready to move on, but he won’t even come out to visit me for a weekend. He wants me to come out tohim but makes excuse after excuse about why he can’t come here. He is 35 and has never been in a real committed relationship. Change is impossible, he still wears clothing from the 80′s when he was in college. He can’t plan anything, he needs to have someone go shopping for housewares, someone to plan a BBQ, and he had boy’s get together last weekend and he needed my opinion about what he should serve and if the house rule sounded ok. Apparently he talks about me to his friends all the time but he can’t talk to me about anything. His dad is military and from what I understand very “man’s man,” doesn’t share feelings, doesn’t show physical or emotional pain, he’s still married to his mother and happily from what I know. He’s a wonderful guy, full of life, center of attention. Capable of huge love for friends and family and I know he’s very sensitive but doesn’t know how to
function if he’s feeling anything he’s uncomfortable with.
My question is basically what is going on with this guy and what are some things I may be able to do to figure out if there is a long term potential or if this is just a “thing” for him?

A: I can’t give you a definite answer, of course, but from the sounds of it, he likes you in fantasy, at a distance, and in small doses but can’t manage something more. My guess is that you’ve already got the best thing you can have with him — a sweet friendship with moments of intimacy. He has been a wonderful support to you as you made your way through a divorce. You know you can be attractive and attracted. That’s not a small thing. My guess is that you should treasure that but move on to find someone who can be in the relationship you want. But maybe if you talk honestly and seriously with him about your hopes for developing the relationship you have with him, you’ll find out something else.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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Married to a man with a low libido

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 May 2006