Q: I am currently in a long distance relationship with a girl I’ve been with for about a year now. We have a great relationship andlove each other very much. This experience being apart, however, has beenvery trying for the both of us.
> She’s overseas right now, studying and living with other American students, mostly guys. She made friends with this one guy who she ended up
becoming very close to. When I went over to visit her a couple months ago, I noticed that there was definitely some flirting between the two of them.
I pointed it out to her and she made it very clear that they were justfriends. She said there was nothing between them. I actually hung out with this kid quite a few times while I was visiting. He seemed pretty cool so I let it go.
>She likes to go out and dance at bars, not slutty or anything but just likes to live freely and have a good time. This obviously is known to attract the guys, and I’ve pointed out to her that she has to be careful of her surroundings. I know the two of them have drank and danced before but it reached a breaking point…
> A couple of weeks ago, they were on a class trip and got real drunk at the bar together (with another person). He ended up walking her to her door and
right as he says good night, he grabs her and lays a pressing kiss on her lips. She, drunk, is taken back and reacts after a few seconds, pushing him
away. She asks him, what was that? He then tells her he loves her.]
> She claims that it was really stupid, meant absolutely nothing to her and that it was over before it began. She didn’t want it to happen, and that she didn’t see it coming. She told him that she was in a serious relationship with someone she loved– she told him that she wouldn’t give up
what she had with me for him. She also told him that he wasn’t in love with her and that it was all in his head.
> My question is how do I handle this situation? Is that considered cheating? How much of this is really her fault? Was he merely infatuated
with her? Why would he act on such a thing if he didn’t think it would be reciprocated? Can leading someone like that be considered cheating? Should I be upset that she even let that happen?
> It’s been very hard for the both of us; we’re both very angry and sad about our powerlessness of the situation. We never thought we’d ever find ourselves in something like this.
> Please help.

A: No – she was not cheating. Yes, she is loyal to you. She didn’t respond to the guy and she told you all about it, didn’t she? Yes, the other guy betrayed your friendship. Dis-inhibited by alcohol, he acted on impulse. To his credit, he didn’t push it. He’s probably embarrassed. He made a pass. He failed miserably. It’s over. It would be great if he’d apologize to you as well as your girl. But even if he doesn’t, you can chalk it up to alcohol and let it go this time so that you can all still be friends.
Meanwhile, it’s normal and fine for your girlfriend to want to have fun with the people she is with. I don’t think you really want her to sit alone at home every night pining for you. (Well – maybe a little bit.) The way she can still have a social life but protect her relationship with you is to talk about you a lot when she is out. She can mention how much she wishes you were there and how much you would enjoy what’s going on. That way she keeps you visible to her friends and keeps it clear that she may be having a good time but she isn’t available. I’m glad you had a chance to hang out some with her friends. That also makes you more real to everyone. Finally, it’s really important that your girlfriend keep the partying under control. When people are drunk, they often do things they later regret. This episode was a reminder that even the best people aren’t always their best selves when they’ve had too much to drink.
Really. It sounds to me like the two of you are doing the best you can do in a difficult situation. I hope you get to be together sometime in the near future.
-Dr. Marie

You may also like:

Girl IssuePermission for Moms To Have Negative FeelingsPsych CentralSchizophrenic, bi-polar, or just depressed?

My Story: Old Song, New HopeWorld of PsychologyLabel Me, PleaseWorld of PsychologyHow Twilight Inspired Me To Do Better With My ResolutionsWorld of PsychologyHaving a boyfriend is making me lose my friendsThe Challenge of Finding the Right TherapistWorld of PsychologyI'm in love with my best friend

• Read more questions answered by this therapist

• No Related Post

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Apr 2006