Q. My son is 21 years old. He has a mom with PTSD and a dad with depression. He has had a lot of crisis in his life from him having cancer to foster sibling dropping dead to severe bullying and abuse at school. He was diagnosed with bipolar at 17. He has addiction issues with grass and alcohol. He lived away 2 years going to college in another state. Mommy always believed him and went running to his rescue only to find out that he made his own bed with behaviors etc. Last fall he came home to roost with girlfriend who JUST now turned 20. He is a full time student and has a job. His grades stink this year. He pays no rent, refuses to help around the house and has been driving my car for 6 weeks as his is beyond repair. He is costing us a lot of money with extra living expenses and refuses to have he and girlfriend each pay $20.00 week toward expenses. These are the kids who left window open all winter. We are very financially strapped. I have told him to straighten up and what the rules are or he will be asked to leave. He always has an argument. He really believes he is right and we are mean to him. My spouse wanted to kick him out today as he did not comply with contract. I said lets give him a way to work off the debt. Son is irrate that I expect so much work from him and asks me why I am trying to sabotage his success. He is overly dependednt on me for everything. He won’t do counseling, quit risperdol a few months back, still taking lithium. Has a dui for grass. other offences. Question? Do I follow through and kick these kids out to be homeless? Do I ignore him and his crap and hope he grows up? He doesn’t listen to ultimatums. He honestly feels that I do not listen to him and am always mad at him and he is trying so hard. He can afford booze and cigarettes. I don’t even like him anymore. I love him but he is not my son, he is a stranger who is abusive and manipulative. What to do?
A. Tough Love. Read books written on the subject. “He doesn’t listen to ultimatums.” He doesn’t listen because he doesn’t have to. How much of this is due to improper parenting? Did you raise him to be independent? I am very sorry for what you are experiencing with your son but I hope that the readers of this column, with young children, will take heed. The actions of the parents will be the major determining factor in the adjustment of the adult. Children don’t “grow up” with time, they grow older but that does not mean that they will ever “grow up.” Parenting is everything. It is highly likely that the situation you are presently experiencing with your son is at the very least partly your fault. The decisions which you make now are especially painful and very crucial. Read those books and then decide. Good luck.
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