Q: I seem to have great difficulty with thinking masturbation is normal, partly because I was raised in an affluent type of family and that something such as this turns up in newspaper columns where some sicko gets apprehended for pulling it out in a parking garage or in front of my sister during a family vacation. She did often speak about men jerking off to her voice over the telephone. All of this has made me so uncomfortable that female social workers who counciled me during my teen years had asked me if I have sexual fantasies, became astounded when I said no, absolutely not. I must have looked very obvious because my heart was pounding so hard, that my responses sounded more nervous. In hindsight, it remains as one of my greatest regrets not having taken those opportunities to open up just a little and try to articulate these difficulties I have. I had an episode when I was home for a weekend from a boys private school and it was a very quiet Sunday morning. My Mother was such an adamant church goer and with the quiet stillness of the house, I wanted to give this much ridiculed sexual fantasy thing a try. I have to admit that it felt pretty incredible, as though my body was floating freely. Then the unthinkable happened, my mother opened the door, I didn’t hear any footsteps or knocking, but it flew open, rattling the hinges. So there she saw me in full view, lying on my bed with my right hand pumping away at my fully-erect penis. I was at my most vulnerable and she scolded me so hard, saying: “that’s very unbecoming, I could never imagine anyone doing something like this! If you soil your bedsheets, I will be very upset with you. As soon as you finish masturbating, you can help me to prepare lunch” Luckily while this was happening, my sister was suntanning herself on the back lawn. Otherwise, with her highly explicit recollections of masturbating weirdos, being the broadcasting bimbo that she is, I would have not been any better off. During lunch, there was no talking between me and my mother. My unsuspecting sister went on talking about her plans. Later on, they both drove me for an hour, back to school as I sat very quietly in the back seat. Who knows what they may have talked about after leaving me at school. Weeks went by and I hoped my mother would call and gently apologize for causing me such humiliation, or at least say anything to make me feel better and to alleviate my anxiety. I have been to many therapists since then, and could never possibly bring myself to mention anything sexual. I tried this at home sitting on my couch, talking to the wall and pretending she is there listening, but from the moment I begin to say: “there is something I need to talk about” my words begin to stutter, my heartbeat increases to the point where I simply cannot talk anymore, then I feel overcome by shortness of breath. As you can see, this experience has hurt me very deeply. In conclusion, I hope you can find it in your heart to provide me with advice as to how I should approach my therapist with this issue.
A. First of all I would choose a male therapist over a female therapist. I think you would find it easier to talk to a male. Either masturbation is normal or it isn’t. You need to find that out for yourself. Do the research. Read studies pertaining to the prevalence of masturbation among males and females. I can not do this for you but I can tell you my research and education, as well as my experience as a therapist, has conclusively shown me that masturbation is perfectly normal and is a biological fact. What isn’t normal is the guilt you feel about your sexuality. You should have sexual feelings and the truth is that you do. You should be no more ashamed to discuss your sexuality with your therapist than to discuss your urine output with your urologist. If you were raised in Europe, you would likely be far less embarrassed by your perfectly normal, perfectly healthy sexual needs and feelings. The American culture glorifies violence and hides its sexuality. I hope I have helped, if even only a little. Good luck, Kristina.
What's Related
- Other posts by Kristina Randle, LCSW
- Masochism and Where it Comes From
- Could early masturbation mean I was sexually abused?
- I am afraid to speak with my therapist about masturbation
- Hair loss due to over masturbation
- No sex life since my wife is very far away
