Q: When i was 14 i started talking to a 25 year old. After i turned 15, he started talking me into oral sex and touching and things. At times i wanted to do it because i wanted to please him. Other times i didnt want to but he talked me into it. I took naked pictures for him with his camera he gave me because he wanted me to. It lasted for over a year and i finally told. Now a year later, im confused as to what that was. im seeing a therapist and she talks about sexual abuse and that its not my fault, but i feel dumb to ask if i was sexually abused. Thats the one thing that i want to know…was i sexually abused?
A. Yes. You were sexually abused. What was going on was definitely sexual. You know that. But what you may not understand is that you were, in fact, abused. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t violent. It doesn’t matter that you let yourself be talked into things. It doesn’t matter that you wanted to please him. It doesn’t even matter if there were times you liked what was going on.
Abuse is when someone uses a more powerful position to take advantage of someone who is less powerful, or vulnerable, or naive, or confused. In this case, you are 10+ years younger than the man you were seeing. He is a man. You are still a teen. He used his age and his greater experience to manipulate you. He talked you into things he wanted regardless of how you felt. He took advantage of your desire to please him. Maybe there were times you thought it was cool to be dating an older guy. He took advantage of that too. This is a crime. He victimized a young girl who was too young and inexperienced to take care of herself in the situation.
The law says that sex is supposed to happen between two consenting adults. Consent is more than saying “yes”. Consent also means that the people involved are equals in the situation and that each fully understands what it is that she or he is saying “yes” to. In your situation, the legal system does not see you as able to give “consent” because of the difference in age and experience.
But here’s the most important thing: Just because you were victimized doesn’t mean that you need to think of yourself as a victim forever. A bad thing happened to you. Use your therapy to learn what you can from it so that you will know the difference between love and manipulation in the future. Then go on with your life and find a nice guy your own age who considers your feelings and who doesn’t try to make you do things you are not ready for. You really can put this behind you.
What's Related
- Other posts by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
- Sexually abused by brother 20 years ago and it just now surfaces
- Brother sexually abused me: Do I reveal this in an attempt to stop further abuse?
- I worry this little boy has been abused.
- Masochism and Where it Comes From
- How Can I Stop Cutting?
