Q: I know there is something wrong with my husband, I just don’t know what it is. He has a very addictive personality. Once he does something that he enjoys, he obsesses about it. He wants a brand new sports car, for example. He knows that we are having problems paying our bills as it is. But, yet he comes home from work, goes straight to the computer and surfs the web looking for a new car. We have gone to at least 15 different dealerships and all of them have told him that it is impossible to get a car at the current time. But, he still keeps trying, like he didn’t even hear what the guy had to say. How many times does someone have to hear the same thing before they give up? I asked him to wait a while and he said that was fine. But then the next week, he was out looking for a car again. When I told him I thought he said he’d wait to get a car, he told me he was lying because he didn’t want to talk about it then. So, I finally convinced him to wait on the car and now he wants a new video game system that costs $500. Because I told him no on the car, I felt bad and gave in to the video game system. Now, he comes home from work and gets on the computer and tries to find this video game system, which is sold out everywhere. He’s on there all night long. I told him to wait until it comes back into stock, but he can’t wait. He obsesses about it and can’t, for the life of him, pull himself away from the computer until he finds it. All he talks about is the car or the video game system. And the worst part, is that once he gets one of these things, the rush will be over and he’ll be on to the next thing. We won’t be able to save for a house while he’s doing this. Does he just sound irresponsible or is there a mental issue here? He’d give up everything in his life to get the one thing he wants, whatever it may be that week. It just becomes the most important thing to him. What are some of the things he may have? I know it’s not OCD because he doesn’t have any cleaning or organizational compulsions and it can’t be a shopping addiction, because most shopping addictions are that people go out and buy all different random things for no reason. This is something, one thing, that he focuses on and obsesses about and it changes like the wind. Some things (Like the car) have stuck around, but when he found out the car wasn’t going to happen (which I’m not even sure he has realized, he’s just not been talking about it so he doesn’t upset me) he moved right on to the next thing. I’ve been trying to come up with different things that may be wrong, but maybe there’s a certain condition I am not aware of. He has very mild depression and it only comes up when we are tight on cash. He takes offence to the most trivial comments and thinks everyone is againsed him and likes to see him suffer and be unhappy. He even told me that I said no to the car because I like to see him unhappy and that I don’t care about him. He said that he does so much for me and that I can’t do this small thing for him, like buying a new sprots car is a small thing. I don’t know if any of this may be connected with whatever is wrong with him. Sometimes things that may not seem relevent are more symptoms of something big. I just don’t like how these obsessions take over his brain. He found a video game system for $800 and I said no, to wait until it is back down to $500. Then, like 5 minutes later he said “Oooohhh! I found one! It’s $800. Can I order it?” Like he never even heard me say no before. God, I need help with this. What could this be?
A. I’m sorry. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But here are some things to think about: Sometimes behavior like this is a way to have things in fantasy that someone can’t have in reality. Sometimes it’s a way to “fight” by making a partner feel upset and scared. Sometimes it’s an indication of immaturity and a refusal to grow up and be responsible. Sometimes it’s a way to compensate for feeling deprived in other areas. And sometimes being over-the-top and/or over-spending like this is a symptom of Bi-polar Illness. Whatever is going on, it is clearly jeopardizing your relationship. For now, you are sympathetic and worried. Over time, you’ll probably end up angry and resentful. Either he is ill or your relationship is in big trouble or both. I hope you can convince your husband to go with you to see a qualified psychologist so you two can sort it out. If he won’t go with you, I hope you’ll talk with a therapist on your own. Once you have a handle on what is going on, you’ll be in a better position to figure out what to do.
What's Related
- Other posts by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
- Severe depression, bipolar, over spender, debtor, food addict, loser
- Couple/family issue in relation to my bipolar & my meds
