Q: I have been talking to a guy on-line for a few months and have met him a few times. Last night he brought me to his home. On the way to his home he told me that I had to promise not to tell anyone what I saw in his house. I had no idea what was coming. This man is fairly well to do, owns his own insurance co. He had already told me he had a home in the country. As we pulled into the lainway, the first thing I noticed was that it was a very large ranch style home with 3 garages but very unkept. He had to german shepherds in a big fenced area behind his house. They are there to protect his home. He said he had a burgular alarm system put on the house and that there were also video cameras in the home as well. He opened the front door for me and the first thing I saw were 2 pinball machines and boxes of stuff all over. I don’t think the house has ever had any updates at all. Very dark. He lives alone in this huge house his wife has left him and his three daughters won’t live with him and he hardly ever sees them. In the kitchen there is the huge teacup collection. Neatly arranged and displayed, I’m thinking ‘very nice’, never knew a guy with a cup and saucer collection. My dad saves stamps and I love that. Well the more I look, the more I see downt the hall. The walls are covered with collectable pictures of any sort. Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, anything and lots of them. more are leaning against the wall waiting for a place to hang. He leads me to the basement to show me his collections, I’m thinking some more nicely arranged collections. NOT! Remember this is very large ranch style home with a full basement. You are lucky to be able to walk down there. I’m thinking there are over 30 pinball machines, and around that are cluttered and stacked hundreds of different collections. piled and boxed, displayed on top of eachother, so much that I thought my head would explode. There must be 5 rooms full down there with one room where he sits all the time. This is really interesting. He had a HUGE tv sitting accross from his dark leather couch, At least 10 huge speakers placed exactly(according to him)with his about 8 teer music system surrounded by his massive cd collection. I’m thinking thousands! Not to mention his MASSIVE movie collection. I have to sit in the middle of the couch so he can show me how great the sound is there. It is very dark and dreary. I guess he has cleared out one of his 3 garages for his car, but the other two are apparently full of his ‘treasures’. He proudly broght me to his offices in town to show me some cupboards I might buy from him. I had to walk through room after room of stuff stacked to the ceiling of his stuff that he buys from yardsales that he goes to every week. apparently he has at least 2 full loads that he brings home every week. I am flabergasted!!!
I looked up obsessive compulsive, which I’m thinking he has and I think I may be on the right track, but finding it hard to find info on a guy like him. His home does not seem over dirty, I’m not sure if he spent the entire day cleaning trying to make it look decent for me or if he keeps his home half clean. I can’t imagine what is in the carpet etc, in and around all his collections however.
There is no way I want to date this man knowing this, but was wondering if there is any way at all of trying to help him. I read that people with this are hard to treat. I asked him if was planning to keep all the stuff and he told me that he will only part with the stuff when he dies. Can you give me some more insight on his problem.
A. Lots of people need help getting out from under the flood of possessions that seems to be part of modern life. That’s why the closet organizing industry is a money-maker. But here’s the truth: Most people can get organized. Give them a little time and motivation (like the boss coming to dinner or a new girlfriend coming for the weekend) and, in a flurry of activity, they fill up trash bags, throw dishes in the dishwasher, scrub the tub, get those recycles to the landfill, and generally impose order in a day or two.
But that’s not what you are seeing at your new guy’s home. Although I can’t diagnose someone with second-hand information, it does sound like you may have met a bona fide hoarder.
Hoarding is different than disorganization. Hoarding is a psychiatric condition that effects about 1% of the population. Hoarders tend to accumulate vast amounts of seemingly worthless stuff. Their collections can be so massive that their homes, cars, garages, and even their offices at work become unusable. Although some hoarders have other mental health issues, many are no crazier than the rest of us. Many are delightful people who function well on their jobs and in the world. People who never see their homes might not even know they have a problem.
Hoarders themselves usually don’t think they’ve got a problem. Just like the rest of us, they save things because they might need them someday, because the items have sentimental value, or because they are reminders of things the person doesn’t want to forget. Just like the rest of us, they put papers in piles because they can’t quite decide what to keep and what to throw away. But for the hoarder, all these very normal reasons go on runaway. It’s as if the switch in our head that says “enough is enough” just isn’t working.
Usually medications aren’t very helpful for this disorder. Professional help from someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy is probably the most useful approach. Dr. Randy Frost at Smith College studies this behavior and is developing methods for treating it. He’s found that it takes time, patience, and working side by side with people to help them detach from items only they think have value. Check out www.ocfoundation.org and click on the “hoarding website” page if you’d like more information.
I do know a number of people who are in relationship with hoarders. Some figure “if you can’t fight it, join it” and learn to live with the stuff. Others do their best to try to keep the clutter under control but give up in despair after years of battling the stuff and their partner. Some couples develop agreements about which rooms can be overrun and which have to stay clean and clear. Some couples who have the finances maintain storage lockers or outbuildings or even a separate home for the hoarder’s collections. And I do know of some hoarders who have decided to get some treatment rather than lose an important relationship.
You’ve already decided you don’t want to further this relationship. This gentleman is not asking for your help and, as long as he’s not trying to be in a relationship, he may not need any. His “collections” aren’t bothering anyone and things haven’t gotten bad enough for the Health Department to condemn his place. I suppose you could offer him some information and express concern for his health but my guess is that he won’t be interested. Let it go.
If you change your mind and decide to date him, however, know that your problem isn’t that your guy has a problem. Your problem is deciding together how you are going to deal. Does your relationship mean enough to him to get help to make room for you in his life – even if he thinks he doesn’t really have a problem? Are you willing to accept a certain level of clutter in exchange of an otherwise good relationship? Only the two of you can decide if it’s worth it.
You may also like:
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Mar 2006
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2006). Too Much Stuff!. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 13, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/03/23/too-much-stuff/
