Suspicious of husband

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. My husband and I have been married for 10 months. In the past three months I have begun to lose trust in him. Right before Christmas, he began acting suspiciously – taking cell phone calls in the other room. One night, after he went to sleep, I snooped on his cell phone and found that he had been talking to and text messaging another woman. I confronted him about it and he explained that she was a customer of his (he’s a delivery driver) who he was trying to set up with his friend. He didn’t tell me about it because he didn’t want me to jump to conclusions and assume he was cheating. He promised to stop playing matchmaker, and the cell phone bills prove that he has stopped speaking to her. Shortly after that, we were out with some friends, one of whom is single. Any time an attractive woman walked by, the guys would notice. My husband told his single friend that he would talk to women and help him get numbers. I was very upset by this and felt extremely disrespected. He claims he was just joking and didn’t mean what he said. He said that he would never cheat on me – he has enough respect for me that if he was unhappy in our marriage, he would be upfront with me and wouldn’t cheat behind my back. About 3 weeks ago I came across his cell phone (he had left it turned on and open) on the couch. It was beeping, so I was going to turn it off but I noticed a text message from another woman accepting his invitation that they meet for a drink sometime. He doesn’t know I saw the message and I cannot confront him about it because then he’ll think I was snooping again, which I honestly was not. I’ve tried telling myself that she could be an old friend from his past, but then why wouldn’t he tell me? Could he be worried that I’ll accuse him of cheating like I did the last time and that’s why he’s keeping this a secret? I have also noticed that recently he has become more helpful around the house and affectionate. He has also mentioned getting in shape, tanning and shaving his chest hair (he says it’s so he looks better on vacation this summer). Our sex life hasn’t changed, he’s not working longer hours or spending more time away from home, basically nothing seems out of the ordinary. I honestly don’t believe deep down that my husband is cheating on me or has ever cheated on me, but I’m having a hard time understanding why he’s giving his phone number to other women and talking to them behind my back. Should I be worried that he’ll cheat?

A. Maybe he is cheating? Of course not, he definitely is cheating. He is a liar. You have now proven that. He is deceptive. You have now proven that. You need to be strong enough to accept the truth. Perhaps you are afraid to face the reality of his cheating behavior, his interest in other women. Perhaps you are afraid to acknowledge that strange noise in the basement as coming from an intruder, perhaps a serial killer but by not acknowledging your danger you greatly increase the risk of your being more seriously injured. You have a hard road to follow. Acknowledge the truth and your safety begins. Hide from the truth and you put your self in great peril. Good luck.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 9 Mar 2006

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2006). Suspicious of husband. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/03/09/suspicious-of-husband/