Q. Me and my folks live in Miami and my folks are elderly and depend entirely on me but now I am facing a new problem with a person who has not lived with us in over 20 years and she creating new problems at my home. I’m writing you because maybe you can help. This email is in regards to my sister Anabel who came down from Orlando after a terrible divorce where she lost everything and is not mentally well and her condition is not improving either. We have tried to help her without getting anybody involved but so far no success at all. She’s been living here rent free for over 8 months and has done nothing about getting help, a job or moving out. But the big problem is her mental health. From the very first week we noticed mood swings and panic attacks on a daily basis triggered by anything. It starts out as a simple discussion about cleaning or church and then Anabel takes it to the next level by yelling and then screaming like a nut. She usually ends it by crying and blaming everybody including God. These ridiculous arguments are started by Anabel and always against us (mostly our mom). Anabel has mentioned suicide on several of them and have also threaten to leave and kill herself in her car. On numerous occasions we’ve asked her to get help and leave but she refuses help and claims to be fine but we know she isn’t. My folks suspect her of theft too because of missing items probably when we are out. When she first arrived here in May 2005, she told me she wont be here long but instead has been here since then and has not looked for a job, has not made any plans to move out nor has she even attended any churches anywhere. She claims the Bible says women should not work. But I pay a high mortgage here and we pay high utility bills here too and she refuses to help. Instead she acts as though she owns us and the house with her rude behavior, when all she owns are her dogs and loud parrot (which she brought from Orlando). She disrespects her parents all the time but our mom who suffers the most from Anabel’s bad attitude wont ask her to move out nor will she let me say anything to Anabel. My brother, his wife and many others stop coming here because of Anabel’s behavior. Anytime we do have visitors, she hides in the bedroom for hours. I have done some research to match her symptoms and have discovered her problem to be Bipolar Disorder. But she denies it and wont get help. In fact if you mention any of this to her, she goes into this bad attitude and attacks back by yelling and screaming. Almost like multiple personalities. Very scary stuff and I don’t know what to do. If she had a job, she might not help us with bills either because anytime someone gives her money, she buys cookies, candy and expensive pet food for her dogs & bird. She always puts this act of a sweet girl but only fools guests with it. Last time she almost took a swing at my mom during the last big argument about how she loves her pets more than all of us. What do you think we should do about her? If she is Bipolar, then she is dangerous to herself and others around her. She waste water and electricity like if it’s free to all of us. But every morning, she starts a meaningless fight with our mom without caring about my mom’s poor health. We understand she has been through a lot with divorce and then evicted from it but coming to my house where we have no space, one bathroom and two elderly people (my folks) who depend on me for everything, and she just picks fights with them. I want her out as soon as possible because she is a nuisance instead of helpfull. Now we know why her marriages have not lasted long and why everybody says she’s too bossy and rude. She needs a shrink especially since she gave her ex husband everything in her last divorce before becoming homeless. Anyway, sorry to bother you with this long email about my sister. But I don’t know how to get her treated or seen by a shrink if she wont see one. My sister is now 50 years old but we are worried about her situation. What do you advise me to do and is there anybody who can come see her without telling her she is being checked for Bipolar Disorder or and other mental problems? Please advise.
A. To a certain degree you are part of her problem. You are the “enabler.” Why should she get a job, if she has no need for money? Can she work? She can work but chooses not to. You are allowing your life to be controlled by your mother and sister. Your mother then becomes the enabler because you allow yourself, a responsible adult human, to be controlled as if you are a little child by your mother. Your mother lives in your home. You should be loving and kind and compassionate but you must set the rules of the home, not your mother. She is controlling you directly or indirectly. You must take responsibility for your actions. Your actions, not your mothers or sisters are ruining your life. Are you ready to accept that fact? The fact is that you have both the power and responsibility to take charge of your life, your home. Their problems, your sister and mother, are destroying your life. Are you person enough to take control? Your mother may not have the wisdom or mental strength to stand up to your sister, to do the right thing. Your sister may be mentally ill and not able to understand the right path for her. Are they in a position to make the right decisions for you? The simple answer is no. It is hard to do the right thing. You must do the hard thing because though very difficult to do, it will be the only correct answer to your problems. Good luck.
What's Related
- Other posts by Kristina Randle, LCSW
- Step dad cop is sexually abusing her
- How can I help my sister with her Bipolar Disorder when I am so far away?
- My sister is a possible pathological liar, what steps can I follow to address this & resolve it?
- Sister is acting bizarre
- Worried about Sister
