Q. : I am in a relationship with someone and I have recently discovered some disturbing fetishes. I have enjoyed and accepted he is a man that enjoys women that are petite and muscular. He and I have enjoyed in fantasies both physically and verbally that we thoroughly enjoy. In the last year, he has given me reasons to suspect I am not the only person he shares these with. However, recently, I discovered he has made several communications not to women but to men who are trans-sexuals (dressed as women). The evidence is overwhelming that this is what he is seeking away from our relationship. I’m not sure how to handle this and I have not confronted him nor will I until I get help on how to deal with this myself.
A. It is good that you are becoming educated into the wide variety of sexuality that exists. Now, I said it was “good” but I didn’t say that you had to like it. Let’s not debate the “how’s” and “why’s” of these sexual variations because no definitive answer exists. It is enough to know that they do exist. As in all other aspects of a relationship, compatibility is the deciding factor for success. No two people are perfectly compatible. A good relationship is one that is highly compatible. Incompatibilities in areas can often be worked out, a mutually acceptable level found between two different positions. You should talk to him and demand honesty. Do not be judgmental but also be honest with him. Perhaps your differences can be worked out between the two of you or perhaps you will need a counselor to help in the process. Perhaps your differences can never be resolved, hopefully they can be. As humans we have very little control over what we find to be sexually arousing. This arousal does not give us the right to act upon our desires but the unwillingness to act upon our desires does not eliminate the fact that these things are arousing. Good luck. If I can be on any more assistance, please let me know.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Jan 2006
Randle, K. (2006). Partner Has Fetish. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 14, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/01/13/partner-has-fetish/
