Q. I’m a 38 year old man, I’m short and occasionally laughed at by people due to the fact that they consider me kind of goofy looking like Fred Flintstone or George Wendt. I’m not that overweight but broad and short, not very appealing to most women. I have no luck with meeting women that I’m interested in going out with and I’m angry most of the time. When I do meet someone I find a attractive with some kind of rapport it is nothing more than that a dead end. Eventually a boyfriend comes up. I’m aware that this sounds common and familiar and I know that it is. I feel like a second class citizen and find myself filled with hate when I see an attractive person. It’s like something I’m not allowed to attain, ever,never.
I cringe when I have my photograph taken and usually unhappy about the results. I find myself obsessing about my features all the time now. Sometimes it seems as though there are girls out there that I’m attracted to that might show interest but I’m generally just accepting of their acknowledgement by a smile or a look or something AND THEN SUDDENLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AND WHAT EVER ACCOMPLISHMENTS I’VE MADE IN MY LIFE. I’m paralyzed by fear and rejections which I indirectly just suffered today. I’m very, very frustrated and angry alot and I’m not good at hiding it sometimes, at work or in public. Sometimes I think that I’m going to explode from frustration and being lonely. I’ve never had any decent friends and have trouble making them. I’ve always felt like an outsider most of my life. Is this bipolar disorder? I don’t know how to deal with my physical shortcomings. I believe my family has a history of mental illness. Several relatives have commited suicide or went insane. I always waver between what I see in my mirror and what I see in a photograph and try to judge myself based on that. I think I look okay in a mirror but get upset by a picture. I grapple with this everyday. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I’ve tried to be happy with the way that I am but when I’m feeling okay something happens where I’m ridiculed and find myself unhappy and not able to sleep. I’ve avoid dating full the time because I feel as though those who would go out with me are desparate and don’t have any other choice either. I don’t feel okay with it. I’m not expecting to meet georgeous women and feel that that’s not my style to begin with even if I had a large trustfund. I just would like to find a somewhat attractive person that I would like to be around. I’m a hard worker and am complemented on my work by my colleagues but what an emptiness I go through most of the time.
A. I know it is frustrating. It is difficult but not impossible to find someone worthy of a relationship. Please do not give up. There are plenty of girls who would want to be in a relationship with a kind, sensitive, compassionate and caring man who wants to be in a relationship. Believe it or not, many women would choose to be with a man who possesses these qualities even if he did not have the looks of Tom Cruise. My suggestion to you is online dating. If you live in a metropolitan area, there are probably at least 10 matches in your area waiting to begin a relationship with a guy like you. Online dating is easy, convenient, and allows you to screen out people who do not match your interests. It’s a lot of more efficient than trying to meet someone in a bar or out for a night on the town. If you have not tried online dating, I would encourage you to do so. I know plenty of people who were skeptical of online dating at first, until they tried it. Give it a try and don’t be discouraged. Try one of the bigger sites like match.com or e-harmony. I have heard good things about these sites. You sound like a very sincere man who has much to offer a woman in a relationship. Good luck and keep trying.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Jan 2006
