Q. I have been going out with this girl from a neighboring high school for almost 3 monthes now. She started talking about this new guy friend she has that goes to her school who is a freshman. She started talking to him about a week after we began dating. She is a sophomore 16 years old, and I am a Junior at 17 years old. The freshman is 14. When we first began dating she would call me all the time and ask me what im doing, and if i could come over or anything. Then things began slowing down, i didnt see her for a week, and she always said she had homework. Around the end of our second month we were together and she started crying. She said she had some pretty strong physical attractions to the guy. This of course hurt me, beacuse for that 2 monthes she said that they are just friends, and she wouldn’t like him relationship wise. They also hung out quite often during the week, and i did not know this, she kept it secretive that she hung out with him, but on some occasions she would say that she hung out with him for a little while. I told her to think hard about the situation, and do what would make her happy. She decided that it was stupid to like this freshman guy, especially because it was mainly due to physical attraction. Things were great, but, he still calls her every night and they talk for a while (hour or more) and he told her last week that he is tempted to do some “physical” things to her aka sexual things. She told him No, I have a boyfriend, atleast thats what she told me. (she told me about this conversation between them). This freshmans mother, told my girlfriend when she went to his house a while back that she should go out with her son, she also asked how long her and I were dating before she said her son and her should hook up. She tells me not to worry, she doesnt like him. Just recently he is calling her when her and i are together, and it makes me worried hearing her talk to him on the phone. She uses such a different voice with him, you know when that special somone calls you and you sound happy to talk to them thats the tone in her voice i hear. She also doesnt tell him that she is with me, she just says oh just sittin here…or oh nothing when he askes whats up. They are just friends, but im begining to feel that its going to escalate here this week. She told me that she is going to HAVE to go to his house this week to exchange a christmas gift with him and they are going to hang out and watch a movie there at his house. This has me thinking, that she will then begin to like him again or something and im worried. When she told me this 2 days ago i clammed up, i didnt talk much to her i didnt try to hold her hand, kiss, or anything like we usually do. And she realized something was wrong, and i told her how i felt with the situation, and she once again told me not to worry…”I’ve got him on a short leash.” she tells me. She also said that he respects the fact that shes got a boyfriend, which is me, but it doesnt sound like it at all. And if he DOES try to do anything she is going to reject it. Can i trust her? Everyone tells me i should do the same thing shes doing to me and see how she likes it, or break up with her, however, im just not the kind of guy to do that. I like this girl so much, and i dont want that to happen. When her and I are together, she is obviously very attracted to me. Shes very sweet, funnny, great to be around and i dont want something stupid between her and this guy change that. Are they really just going to sit there at his house and watch a movie… without getting close, he likes her quite a bit and she was attracted to him… whats going to happen in that picture? Is she telling the truth? Please, any advice on the situation would greatly be appreciated!
A. I think deep down inside you know the answer. You are trying to cover this up, because you really like this girl. You are engaging in self-deceptive practices. We both know that you do like this girl. The question becomes “should you like this girl?” Should you like someone and want a love relationship with someone who is deceitful, uncaring about your emotions, and admittedly very attracted to another man? I do not think your girlfriend is telling you the whole truth. In all likelihood she is being very manipulative and deceptive. Why is she talking to this guy, if she only likes you? Why call him? Why buy him a gift? Why does she want to go over to his house to watch a movie? Why change her voice when he calls and then lie about (or conveniently fail to mention) who she is with? Why, because she obviously likes him. Most likely she doesn’t want to lose you until she is sure she has him. What she is doing is wrong. The only way to stop it is for you to stop it. I know you really like her and that is what is blinding you to the fact that she is essentially cheating on you, but you should not want or desire a girl who is doing this to you. Do not be mad at “her friend”, if she lies to you, she lies quite naturally and is also lying to him. It is your girlfriend who is at fault here and you for allowing her to do so. My advice in a phrase; “so as not to delay, break up with her today.”
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Dec 2005
Randle, K. (2006). My girlfriend has this guy friend, and it could me more than a friend…. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 12, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/12/29/my-girlfriend-has-this-guy-friend-and-it-could-me-more-than-a-friend/