Q. My new boyfriend is unable to attain erection from kissing or fellatio. As far as I know he does not have any heart conditions, kidney disorders, cancer, multile sclerosis, gland disea, or any abnormal psychological stress, worries or depression. He is mentaly stable and not on any mood drugs. Other words, he appears normal. The only way for him to obtain and maintain an erection is throughout the stipulation of his nipples! What could be the reason for this? What can I do? How can I help?
A. There are some men that can only get an erection from certain stimuli just like there are women who can only become excited if certain parts of their body are stimulated. It’s not uncommon. From your question, I am not sure if this bothers you or if you are just curious. If both are true, perhaps you can inquire about his fantasies to find out what it is that turns him on specifically and that may help in finding other ways for him to get an erection. If you are open to it, maybe the two of you can view adult movies and this may help him get an erection. If you are interested in continuing to have sex with him, you might just have to stimulate his nipples like he prefers. To make it easier, maybe you can introduce nipple paraphernalia. They come in different sizes and strengths. If applied gingerly and not too tight, they can serve to stimulate his nipples and free up your hands. Some people use common household items such as clothes pins. In America, we giggle and laugh as children when discussing sex. We act as children and hide and ignore the truth. We have our secrets, our secret drawer, and our secret box hidden in the back of the closet. Europeans, view sex much more naturally, openly and view violence as something to shield children from. In our country we shield our children from viewing anything sexual while allowing them to see more than 10,000 violent murders before they reach 18 years of age. When they are adults, we sincerely hope that they will become sexually normal adults, while hoping they will not become violent killers. How very backward this approach is. They can’t model normal sexual behavior because they have not seen it. They have seen more than 10,000 murders and they can easily model that behavior but we “hope” they won’t.
My advice is to ask more questions of him to learn more about his sexual idiosyncrasies and if this problem bothers you, experiment with other ways to evoke an erection.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 Dec 2005
Randle, K. (2006). Erection disorder?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/12/22/erection-disorder/