I want more sex but my wife does not

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. Several weeks ago, my wife said that I was sexually insatiable, that at my age, most males are not as sexually active as me. We have been married for over 18 years and our sex lives are, in my opinion, quite good and healthy. She claims that I need to talk with some guys my own age and find out how often they have sex. I contend that I don’t really care about other guys sex lives, and that I focus on my own. Secondly, because I work with some very attractive women, both young and mature, that continues to wet my appetite and that I need help in the sex department. I also mention to her that when I have a great sexual partner, that’s enough for me. She doesn’t care for anal sex and is not overly thrilled with oral. Receiving she likes but giving, please see anal sex comment. Much of our sex is in the bed and at night. When I suggest something new it is not met with approval. I think basically it comes down to this: she says that I am not satisfied even though we have very good sex. Adventuresome sex is out of the question and so is morning and afternoon sex, whether I suggest oral sex or regular bedroom sex. I think she is a wonderful sexual partner and a tremendous wife. But I think there should be more in the adventuresome area as well as positions, time of day, and varieties.

A. It is difficult to stay in a monogamous relationship if the sexuality of the relationship is not compatible to both partners. Almost always, one person has a higher sex drive than the other. It is important to meet the sexual need of the person with the higher drive but it need not be done through oral sex or intercourse but through some type of masturbation. She should be flexible and open to your desires. Remember there is a difference between desire and need and thus you must also be realistic. Sex is sex. Remove the hormones which cause desire and one would see that clearly that sex, though pleasurable, is simply a biological drive. Urination and defecation are also biological drives but they are not “glorified” and raised to exulted standards as is sexuality.

There is a difference between want and need. You need food and water to eat and survive but you do not need sex to survive. You might want sex because it is pleasurable but you could live without it. It is important to make a distinction between want and need.

For you to be satisfied, you two will have to come up with a compromise that meets your sexual needs and hers.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 2 Nov 2005

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2005). I want more sex but my wife does not. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/11/02/i-want-more-sex-but-my-wife-does-not/