Q. i feel distracted and zoned out all the time i have difficulty sleeping, and constantly have headaches. perhaps i am bipolar, at times i become excited and manic people say i speak to fast and they can’t understand me. i am never suicidal and don’t really get depressed I just seem to get very angry for no reason. a week i go i became angry with someone i love, i nearly attacked this person with a tennis racket and shouted some very evil stuff. apparently i was behaving so angry and violent that strangers had been staring (this took place in public). the argument ended after i threatened to kill this person if she did not leave. i feel terrible for the things i said and have begged this person to forgive me. she says she can never forgive me. i think she is scared of me. i think i snapped because stress has been building inside of me for quite some time here is a quick summary of me: when i was around nine, i can’t really remember, i started having violent sexual thoughts. Around thirteen these fantasies increased a great deal they are not really sexual i imagined killing people a lot. i wet the bed till i was around fourteen. throughout my childhood i was always around dead animals. i did not kill them they either died from neglect or my dad killed them. rotten corpses were everywhere we played games in which we spent the day finding as many corpses as possible. The tree house had animal heads nailed to it. i just remember when i was little constantly finding mutilated and rotting animal bodies. my dad hid bird heads in the house! this was normal at the time but looking back i see how odd this is. during high school i never had any friends i don’t know how i graduated i slept all the time. all day i would be lost in daydreams, all of which involved attacking the other students. when i went off to college things only became worst. now i was completely alone. I went weeks without speaking to anyone. i am not shy i can meet strangers and speak to them easily. at first i can come off as outgoing and sweet. i can’t maintain a relationship of any kind for any length of time i have never had a friend. At college i was angry most of the time, when i wasn’t angry i became manic. My thoughts raced and i could not sit still. i would lough in the middle of class for no reason also when i enter this manic phase i tend to become violent; punch walls, play with knives, hit and choke my brother, etc. at college it got to the point where i never slept i spent all night wondering outside. i carried a knife and frequently slashed tires. now i am living with my parents again, things are worse than ever. i don’t know why i keep expecting them to get better. i fantasies all the time, it interferes with my ability to concentrate in class, i feel restless and generally weird. i just quit my third job in one summer. i feel out of control I impulsivily waste the little money i have; i spent a hundred bucks on a knife even though i already have several, i buy expensive dinners for relatives, and yesterday i impulsivily gave all the rest of my money to firemen collecting for Katrina victims. without thinking i have mutilated several animals and even started to strangle a puppy. don’t worry the puppy survived i stopped when it began to spasm. most the time i’m in my own little world where nothing feels real occasionlly, like now, i become slightly more awake. i’m starting to really worry about myself. all i can ever seem to think about is killing other people. i have every detail planned out perfectly; i have no doubt that i would be able to get away with it. i have the perfect weapon and every bit of needed supplies i’ve even taken criminology classes to further perfect it. it sounds as though i’m just evil, i know, but i seriously can’t seem to stop myself i have prayed about it. a month ago i caught myself sneaking through people’s backyards at night carrying a knife. i ended up slashing someone’s car tires. a couple of weeks ago i spent all night driving slowly down strange neighborhoods with the headlights off, and a collection of knives in the passanger seat. i’m not sure what i was doing. every day i waste precious, expensive gas roaming through the city and down poor neighborhoods. i get this imulse to turn down a certin street where i have never been and before i have time to think about it i’m slowly cruising neighborhoods hunting. eventually i come to my senses and return home. on one of these roamings i passed the perfect type, walking slowly down the sidewalk. i got so extremely excited i nearly spun the car around, i knew exactly how i would get that person. i stopped myself and left. yesterday i walked all over some college campus disguised as one of the students I started following people of the right type. i had a knife hidden in the notebook I was carrying. it was this incident that finally made me realize that i need help. i have tried very hard to stop myself, but some days i just slip into this very dark, restless mood, the will to stop myself vanishes. i feel like i am just watching myself from a distance, as if i’m not actually doing anyting just indifferently viewing my actions. i recently had one of those migraine aurors. i’m not certain i spelled that right. i actually believed a demon had been trying to possess me. now i get migrains all the time. i’m so stressed i feel like i am just holding my breath until my present situation changes. everytime things become to stressful i flip through my CSI book and look at the pictures of dead people or i lock myself in my room and fantasies. i want to get some kind of help before i do something i may later regret, but i feel this is impossible. i have no money and live with my parents. my dad has always been of the opinion that if something goes wrong or is broken that it should be ignored. we should pretend everything if fine and the incident never occurred. i know that is stupid advice. he does not believe in psychology, according to him homosexuals are demon possessed and should be shunned by society. my mom is stressed as it is and tends to have panic attacks, she also believes i am good and innocent i will never admit any of this to her. i feel stuck in a corner, what can i possibly do? don’t tell me to just ‘knock it off and be good’ that is much easier said than done i have tried so hard to control myself. other than the person who saw me in a psycho rage, everyone believes i am a naiive, shy, innocent. who can i possibly talk to? is it possibe that some people are just destined from birth for evil? the urges are so all-consuming they overwhelm me entirely. please respond even if you think i am making this up.
A: Go to a hospital that has a mental health unit. Go into the emergency room and tell the attendant that you are having homicidal thoughts and that you have been “hunting” people. If not, simply call the local police and tell them the same thing. It is not a crime to have theses fantasies but it is a sign that you need help before you hurt someone and thus end up destroying your own life.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Sep 2005
Randle, K. (2005). psycho: i suspect i have a personality disorder of some type. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 10, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/09/14/psycho-i-suspect-i-have-a-personality-disorder-of-some-type/