1) Sexual/Love Addiction: A year ago I met a guy. He was charming, ingratiating, fun, and we bonded in a way I had only dreamed. I would see him on weekends only. Our first sexual encounter I asked him his HIV status. Negative was his reply. So was I. Six months later, while moving his backpack I heard rattling, like vitamin bottles. They were HIV meds. I have since been tested and am still negative. I confronted him about the pills and he said he had been positive for more than a year and that he was afraid, after finding the guy he was looking for, that he was “damaged” and I would basically reject him. I forgave him and we continued on. A month or so later I found out he was using my computer to check on hookup websites while I was working on the weekends. He promised to get rid of them. I trusted he would. He has eliminated some, but still maintains many, including his internet buddy list filled with names of sexual contacts. He was at this time, also having sex with a friend who was giving him a place to stay after having moved out from his alcoholic mother’s home. He is now living with his Grandmother, is unemployed (except for the occasional restaurant work I have provided with a second job I have) and has not held a job in ten years. He expects someone to recognize his intellect and “give” him work. The work he did have allowed him to amass enough money to buy a motorcycle and on the very day we picked up the bike he was making plans to hook up with another guy. I have pleaded, argued, begged, asked, cajoled, implored, etc. that he reform this lifestyle (established years before I met him) but so far he has done very little. We say we love each other, but now we fight more often than get along. This has led us both to do things we would not have imagined possible. He has expressed that he does not want to share his feelings, wants me not to ask so many questions about what he does when we are apart, and he spends the majority of his days sleeping, surfing the web for sex partners, and playing online character games. I have given him a few books, “Out of the Shadows”, “Co-dependent No More”, and “ACOA”. He has even been open to the idea of therapy, for himself and us, but really seems to have no way of expressing deep feelings and finds talking about deep issues “unpleasant”. He only wants to live the happy moments and avoid the rest of life. This has affected my personal life, my job, my relationships, my work, and my career. I don’t eat well, have had two vehicle accidents recently, lose sleep, and struggle to maintain balance. There have been lies, deception, avoidance, sexual liaisons, and recently he expressed interest in taking drugs with partners while having sex. He’s 33 and his best friend says no one realizes how “completely lost” the guy is right now and how his fear of death and retribution (based on religious beliefs) drives him to certain actions. He has no health insurance (but does get aid from a clinic), no motorcycle insurance, and without the support of his 90 year old Grandmother, would have no place to live, or food to eat. I keep trying to believe we can be together if only he could eliminate this sex thing from his life, get therapy (me too) and work toward healing the damage caused by his mother’s alcoholism, for a start. Neither one of us wants to quit the relationship, or maybe we just don’t have the courage or don’t see things clearly. I am completely lost. When is enough, enough? I am reading a book called “The Betrayal Bond”, about letting go of unhealthy relationships. This is the pattern in my life of finding brilliant, lost boys, with deep wounds, who find me so attractive (except ultimately sexually or physically) and straining the boundaries of my life to make things work out. So, is he a sex addict? Hiding, deceiving, spending time seeking sex online, having little life outside of the internet, no job, not taking care of himself, or providing for himself? Losing friends and putting our relationship in constant jeopardy? Can I help him in any way or am I lost if I don’t help myself first? What do I do? I feel nearly totally helpless and still I love him, but love isn’t supposed to be like this, is it…
A. This is not his problem, this is your problem. The real questions here are why you continue to stay in a relationship with someone who has lied to you, who has put your life in jeopardy and who continues to lie to you. You point out you have a habit of doing this, of picking this type of person. That’s the real issue, why you don’t know when enough is enough. I don’t think it’s necessary to dig to the roots of why you don’t know when enough is enough. It is enough to know that you have this problem and you must be very careful in all of your relationships. Obviously you should end this relationship immediately with no thought to it at all. The foundation of every relationship is honesty. He has not provided any honesty. He has instead provided you with deceit, continued deceit, and more deceit. It should be very obvious to you that this relationship cannot go on and should never have gone on this long. Since there is no foundation for a relationship, nothing can be built upon a missing foundation. End this relationship immediately and think carefully before you enter into other relationships and judge them step by step, day by day. When you see the deceit, end the relationship. Good luck.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Jul 2005
