My wife (42) and I (47) have been married for one year. I have known her for 5 years. It was an instance attraction when we met. The relationship has been extremely complex. She was sexually abuse and raped by more then one family member ? she is not in contact with her family today. She told me before we got married that she had come to terms with the abuse in counseling and our sex life before we got married was great and we thought that. Well now that we live together we don?t have sex any more and we fight all the time. Our marriage has reached a point of much resentment and frustration that has made things confusing for me. I think we are emotional divorced at this point. A few months ago I noticed that my wife masturbates every day to the point I would think she is sore?..I can hear and feel the vibrating going most of the night. I?m very open to sex and I feel left out etc. But when I ask her about it, she says I don?t know what I am talking about; I?m making things up etc. She denies her masturbating every time I ask. She would rather be with her toys then be with me. I know I am part of the dynamics and question myself as to what I have I done to piss her off. I am concerned for our well being. Sometime is broken here I need help or this marriage will fail. I feel that there may be a combination of problems here, me, porn and her childhood abuse. The masturbation seems to have started when I got the x-rated movies out in attempt to spark things up again. At first she was open to watching them, later; she got angry about the movies. I feel that is may have trigger something in her. What do I do? Recently I have read that the x-rated movies don?t work most of the time for sparking sex up in a marriage. I?m currently looking for a counselor. However she has told me that she will NEVER admit to it. I see the masturbating as a problem because it interferers with out relationship.
A. It seems as if what has transpired between the two of you has changed the sexual dynamic in your relationship. This may be due in whole or in part to your wife’s sexual abuse as a child. She said that she received counseling and was over the abuse but that may not be true. She may be overreacting to things that have occurred in your relationship and this overreaction may be due to the intensity and the emotions that she feels from her early sexual abuse. Masturbation is not the issue here. The issue is the fact that your wife has shut you off sexually. You must recognize that she may still desire you sexually but is not willing to invade her emotional space and allow you to have sex with her. So technically at his point, it is a compatibility issue. You would like to have sex with her but she does not want you to have sex with her. Her masturbation is a way for her to achieve sexual relief. Her not having sex with you is a way most likely to provide emotional punishment. Those are the issues that I believe require counseling. Certainly you need to find a good therapist. I agree completely that this marriage is doomed if corrective changes are not initiated. I would begin those changes following the advice of a good therapist. I wish you the best of luck.
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