My husband is a dedicated runner. I believe running is good as long as it is not done to the extreme. I don’t know where to begin. Five or six years ago he joined a running group. Nice people dedicated to running. He developed a friendship w/one man and they are good friends. My husband runs with him every morning and then they would go running for seven or more hours every Saturday and then have lunch. I would complain about it and I felt he was neglecting our children and myself. It was difficult. He would ignore my complaints and withdraw. We have a medical supply business with another couple and I use to work at the store but then quit about eighteen months ago since my health was getting bad and the stress was overwhelming me. The business then started to go downhill which didn’t surprise me. My husband then lost over twenty pounds in less than three months and became forgetful, started to have nightmares, he was very grouchy and very difficult to be around. I went in to see my therapist. He works with many women with eating disorders in our community and he told me that my husband seemed to exhibit some of the behavior of eating disorders. I tried to talk to my husband about my concerns and he refuses to admit there is any problem. He claims he runs and feels better not that “all that extra fat is gone”. He will complain that he has too much fat around his middle when there is none. He is five foot eleven inches and I am not sure what he weighs. He runs about fifty to sixty miles a week and is constantly entering and preparing for marathons. He was preparing to run in a marathon two weeks ago and started having nightmares again so I knew he had lost too much weight. I told him kindly that he has nightmares when he has lost too much weight and that he might consider this. He seemed to accept this. Unforturnately, this week I had a melt down. IT was our thirty year anniversary and all I could think about was I did not want to live this way for another thirty years. I cried most of the day and finally told my husband I did not want to celebrate our anniversary any more. I am afraid I am going over the edge. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. If you have any suggestions I would appreciate all the help I can get. Thank-you.
A. Many times in my practice, I had husband or wives ask how they could help their spouse. It’s very difficult for a well trained therapist to help your spouse. It’s virtually impossible for a spouse because of the dynamics of the relationship between the couple for one to help the other. I could give you a long explanation, but it would take many, many pages or perhaps a small book to do so. In my opinion, it’s very, very difficult for a spouse to help their partner. Often times, because the party being helped feels as if they are giving up power if they have allowed the other person to help them, guide them, etc. Your husband certainly spends more time then you feel he should running but how much time is the correct amount and how much becomes too little or too much. I believe as his wife you certainly have a right to point out to him that his behavior does not appear normal to you and that you very concerned about it. You should do your very best to get him into counseling. However, if he chooses not to, or goes once and quits, there is nothing you can do. At that point in time, you need to ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who has the problems that he has? So yes, I think it is a very serious problem that could end with a divorce and I think he should become aware of that. If you are not strong enough to put it into those terms to him, that this is a potential divorce issue, then you have no choice but to live exactly as you have been living since you seem to have very little control over his behavior. Good luck.
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