Q. My husband, Dan, have been together for 12 years. He has recently has been communicating with a former female co-worker by email. He has not actually spoken to or seen her in over 4 years. In the past his emails with her have occurred 2 or three times a year. He recently asked her to meet him for lunch, and they made plans to meet. I was not aware of any of this at the time. One night last week, Dan woke me up by saying her name in his sleep. I asked him about it, and he said he did not know why he would say her name. I asked if they had been in contact and he said no, but immediately turned away from me. I told him I did not believe him, and asked if they had been emailing or calling each other? He again said “no”. I asked him to show me his email account, he said “ok”, and started to bring it up, when he said”Ok, we have been in contact, we were going to meet for lunch next week.” I asked why he lied to me and he just said “He did not know”. I believe my husband has a cheating heart, he says he doesn’t, he just made a big mistake and that I should just get over it, nothing was going to happen. I remained angry with Dan for several days, before I asked again why he lied to me. Dan said “I have been thinking about this and all I can come up with, is that I knew I was attracted to her when we worked together, and I thought if I was single, I would like to date her” I still believe he has a cheating heart, that he was looking for something, he is insistant that is not the case, and that nothing will ever happen like this again. How do I believe him? I think that this is an indicator of other issues between us. I believe he thought he could flirt, have a little fun and no one would be the wiser. My first marriage ended because my then husband of 20 years was a cheater. My husband says I am looking for a problem. Are we doomed? I do not know how to learn to trust him again. Thank you for your time and attention to my question.
A. I would consider his behavior cheating. Your husband lied to you, he has been deceitful, and he’s been dishonest. Is there hope for this relationship? Perhaps, but this is going to be a job for a marriage counselor. I don’t think this relationship is likely to survive without marriage counseling. It’s important to get your husband to agree to go. You asked in your question to me: how can I learn trust him again? The truth is that you should not trust him until he earns that trust, until he has proven to you that he is no longer lying or deceiving. Trust is extremely important in a relationship. Anything that damages trust has to be eliminated. I would highly recommend marriage counseling. You should shop around for that counselor, calling him or her before hand, talking to him or her about the problem and getting some feedback from them. Good luck.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jun 2005
