Q. My new boyfriend of just a few weeks has always made me feel wanted and secure from day one. He was great at calling and seeing me often and not one red flag appeared. We grew closer with each time we saw each other. Without my even realizing he was concerned, he mentioned he was getting mixed signals about if I was still connected with my ex-husband. I thought I assured him absoutly not and said I wanted to move forward with him if that’s what he wanted too. Now he hasn’t called in two days. Was it just an excuse, as he really didn’t want to pursue a relationship? Can someone really fake it that well and why the sudden turn around? There were no signs of trouble – if anything the last time we saw each other felt like we bonded stronger. We’ve hugged and kissed, but that is as far sexually as it has gone so far. Should I call him? don’t call him ever, no matter how much I want to? email? don’t? Wait (how long?) then call or email? I want to save this relationship and would appreciate any advise you may have. Thanks so much.
A. As I read your question, the one thing that really jumped out at me was the fact that your relationship with this boyfriend lasted just a few weeks. It takes time to establish the direction of a relationship. It’s not at all unusual for a relationship to end within a few weeks or a month. In that period of time, you both you have gotten to know each other better or have a better idea if you are correct for each other. He may have ruled you out as girlfriend material. Now onto the second part of the question, should you contact him? Many people play games at this time. The fact that he has ended the relationship would indicate that you would be wasting your time to call him back. Indeed you may be wasting your time but you’ll never know if you do not try. By all means, e-mail him a long, thoughtful letter and follow that up with a call, even if he fails to respond to the e-mail. I can’t guarantee you that you will be successful in reestablishing this relationship if you take my advice and e-mail and call but I can guarantee you that you will not be successful in continuing this relationship if you do not try to e-mail and call. It’s really a matter of ego here and saving face and not wanting to look bad. There could be many personal reasons why he has stopped this relationship. It could be as simple as fear, fear that he was getting to close, fear that it was going to fast, fear that you do not love him or might not love him, fear that the more you get to know him you might not like him. There could be many, many reasons that have nothing to do with you or reality. Something as important as a relationship should not be allowed to trickle away so easily. Good luck.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jun 2005
Randle, K. (2005). I want to understand a friend’s motive. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 14, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/06/19/i-want-to-understand-a-friends-motive/
