Q. Three years ago a co-worker expressed interest in me, which led to our meeting for a drink to get to know each other better. We had a great time together and he kissed me goodnight. I was hooked, that fast. From then on, the flirting continued and we got together two other evenings. The passion was mutual although it never became sexual. At work we’d find private places to talk and kiss. He’d say things like ‘maybe we can get together next week’ but when I’d suggest an actual time, there was always a reason why it wouldn’t work out. On one hand he seemed very into me, but my gut kept doubting. This went on for two years until several months ago he started the distancing thing, very subtle at first. Since I didn’t want to come off as needy or not in control, I ignored the signs and played the game. I heard through the grapevine of all things that he was dating another co-worker, someone off site that I do not know. Now they are engaged and he never even had the decency to talk to me about it. Several times I tried to talk to him and he’d avoid the confrontation. He’d act mad at me and walk away or say he didn’t want to talk. It made him so uncomfortable. We still work together and after all this time even though the hurt is gone I still have feelings of anger over his using me, the game playing and then just letting it go like my feelings don’t matter at all. Our current interaction is merely work related, he never asks me how I’m doing or about personal stuff. I never ask him anymore either. I catch him doing double-takes to look at me and I wonder if he cares, but he won’t let me know it. I tease him on occassion in an attempt to get a reaction out of him but he doesn’t. I usually just try to ignore him and do my work but he’s on my mind. I try but can’t get him out of my thoughts, which go from anger over thinking I was used to hoping he’ll break the engagment and come back to me. I thought I had moved on, but hes being on my mind so much tells me that I haven’t. Other than those 3 dates early on, it was an office thing and I could never get it to move on to something real. Was he too afraid to trust me? We couldn’t trust each other? How do I move on? By the way, I’m now seeing a great guy, but the feeling is nothing like it was with Mr.’Wonderful’. I’d like to be able to give him an honest try and not be a rebound thing. Thanks for your time and advise.
A. Take a hint. When you could not get this “friend of yours” to show any real interest in you beyond those first few dates, he was telling you his level of interest. He had very little interest in you or he would have pursued you just as he pursed this other relationship with led to his engagement. The anger you feel is the fact that you allowed yourself to be used. He did force himself upon you. He did nothing to lead you on. He simply took what you offered him at work. Now you feel bad that it ended this way and feel used. But from his perspective he did no more that take what was offered. He does not owe you any explanation and he certainly was not “Mr. Wonderful”. It is very important to recognize how anyone could be “Mr. Wonderful” to you who had so little interest in you and so little concern for you. Life is a learning experience I hope you have learned from this. If you feel that you were used it is probably because you were acting in a way that you are ashamed of but you should not blame your friend. You should accept the blame for behaving in the manner in which you behaved. Good luck.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jun 2005
