Q. Is it normal? When I was around ten years old I started getting strange thoughts and ever since then I often question my existance. Sometimes this questioning is very intense,to the point that I become very afraid that maybe somehow my whole life is a dream,or that I’m some form of energy being tricked into believing that I am human. Not every day do I get the uncontrollable thoughts of harming those I love,but it does happen. Sometimes I will be sitting around thinking happy thoughts and suddenly I see myself causing bodily harm to someone I love. I never see myself harming my enimies. It feels as if someone is trying to make me harm my loved ones which is something that I never wish to do.I can never focus on one thing at a time and whatever I AM focusing on drifts in and out of focus constantly.I usually feel like my mind is very cloudy,as if my thoughts are being masked by the clouds,drifting in and out. Also when I was younger I was constantly calling my mother at work complaining about “ghosts” walking around the house talking to me. This rarely happens anymore,but I sometimes hear people whispering things like,”Hi”, or “What are you doing?”. For 5 months my thoughts mostly revolved around my fear of the end of the world. I couldn’t think about anything else and I was so terrified that I wouldn’t sleep at all. One of my friends whom I’ve known for 3 years has had not one argument with me and she has always treated me well.But I always question her intentions and think of the possibility that she is just pretending to be my friend just to hurt me,and that she is saying horrible things about me behind my back and constantly lying to me. When I moved into my new house,I would always close the master bathroom door before I left the room. But if I forgot to,I got a very strong feeling that I would have bad luck just because I forgot to close the door. After numerous times of forgetting to close it,I became very fearful of the door. My friend asked me what if I replaced the door,would I still be afraid of the new one? I said no. I havent replaced it and just the thought of the door send shivers up and down my spine. I’m afraid of mushrooms,statues and paintings. I’m afraid that they will come alive and take over my mind.Sometimes I think the same of flowers,even if I love them. There are many things I’m afraid of aquiring bad luck from and my bathroom door is just one of many.My memory has been very bad lately. It usually takes me a long time to remember what I did the previous day. Whenever I am around someone I love I become very afraid of weapons and I could imagine myself killing them. I try very hard not to think thoughts like that,but it’s as if someone is making me think that way. At night when I am laying down I can’t sleep because I feel someones hands digging into my waist. But when I look down nobody is there. And I am very afraid to go out in public because whenever I feel someone laughing or saying something negative I have a strong feeling that they are laughing/talking about me. I have a hard time fully trusting anyone.If I hear something unfortunate happened to someone I care about, sometimes I will laugh or smile without meaning to, just as in happy situations I seem upset and lacking enthusiasm even if I’m very happy. I always seem to be giving the wrong emotion. Everyone always thinks I’m sad or angered by something and they result in treating me bitterly. I was told by a relative on my birthday that I had made their life miserable and they told me they knew that’s what I wanted. However I never knew that I had ever hurt them in my entire life and I never want to do so. When I tried telling them this, they didn’t believe me. So I guess I hurt people without realizing or intending to. I’ve been told by many people that I always seem suspicious and/or intoxicated. But I’ve never used any substance in my life,nor do I purposely act intoxicated.And I don’t have suspicious intentions. I don’t understand why all this has happens or why I feel this way, but nobody I know feels the same way. Everyone around me seems very normal, and then theres me…Is any of this normal? My father’s side of the family was diagnosed with several mental/personality disorders, so maybe is there a possibility that I have one too? Please help…I need to know if there is something wrong and what I can do about it. Thanks.
A. From what you describe, you seem to display some paranoia. You also seem to be engaging in “magical thinking”. No, this is not normal. I would suggest that you see a psychiatrist and explain this all fully to him or her and take it from there. There are some therapists who would suggest that what you are experiencing is not a problem unless it is harming you in life and there are others that would say that anyone who engages in any of the behavior you have described is by definition not normal. I would highly suggest that you get help so that you can live a happier life and one that is less filled with pain and fear. Good luck.
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