Q. I have been having a relationship with a man for three years. I’ve been suspicious from time to time when I have found women’s lingerie in his home. With in the past 9 months he confided in me that he was a sex addict. He started going to meetings and it seemed to help quite a bit. He has since stopped. What I want to know is can this addiction trickle over to living in a dirty, clothes and mail all over the floor plus garbage environment. He doesn’t open his mail. Always late on bills and lately money seems to be less. He is not interested in sex with me anymore unless I wear something sexy. Also, I have come across an emply condom wrapper and a pair of mens see-thru thong underwear that he ordered from overseas. He gave up the internet at home, but I know he goes to outside places to access this hobby. He’s not conscious of the way he dresses anymore and is lax in other personal hygiene. I don’t know if I can deal with this anymore, because I’m afraid this goes deeper than the internet. He lies to me about things. If I would have known about this 3 years ago, I wouldn’t even have went out with him. But, 3 years later you are attached in certain ways. He does have a very giving nature and has his good side. But there’s this dark side which I’m afraid I don’t know all about. I’m just really curious if the dirty, cluttered, garbage on the floor house and everything else I mentioned is separate or a spin off of the sex addiction.
A. In the question you wrote me, you have made many statements. Anyone of those statements would be enough to justify your ending your relationship with this man. From the way you have described him he is unfaithful, and he’s a liar. He lives one step above the cleanliness of an animal. You said that you found an empty condom wrapper. You know he is an admitted sexual addict yet he is not having sex with you. I think the real issue here is not him but your need to hold on when you know this relationship is clearly over. Is this the man you want to spend time with? Do you want a man who is so horribly irresponsible? Do want a man who will pass along an STD to you? I think you need to be brave enough to face the truth and end this relationship. And no, living in filthy home, not paying bills and being a liar, are not signs of sexual addiction.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 May 2005
Randle, K. (2005). Side affects from Sexual Addiction?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 12, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/05/24/side-affects-from-sexual-addiction/