Q. My boyfriend and I have always had a great sex life. I have 4 kids, stay at home mom, plus I homeschool 2 of my children.. I am really busy, but we have always made time for each other. The other night I was just tired and wanted to watch a little tv and go to sleep, my boyfriend wanted to have sex, and when I said I didnt feel like it… he got violent and tried to slap me in the face. And made some comment as to the effect of ” Ill go pay for it” jokingly or not, I would this to be BS and downright disrepectful.. then he stormed out of our bed and slept in a different part of the house.. What’s his problem? He is constantly wanting sex, and some nights I am so tired, I just have no energy.. Why can’t he understand this and back off and respect this fact? we have sex quite frequently.. but when I don’t feel like it one time or another he flips out and yells or gets violent.. Is this normal?

A. He gets angry because he feels rejected. Sex is apparently very important to him either physiologically or psychologically. In essence his feelings are hurt and rather than to show you his weakness and the fact that he is hurt it is much easier for him to show you his anger. Some people consider sex to be more than sex. They consider it to be some validation of themselves or a validation of the solidity of their relationship. Apparently, he feels that way. He certainly acts as if he is being rejected. He needs to change his behavior. Few couples are perfectly compatible sexually. One will want sex more than the other in almost every case. He has to learn to adjust to this. You have to learn to make sure you meet a reasonable need of his but he can’t expect you to meet 100% of his sexual desire. He needs to be realistic. If I were your therapist I would asking you about whether or not the two of you discuss masturbation or find it acceptable in your relationship. A mode of his finding sexual release with a minimal involvement from you might be the answer. I hope this all works out.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 May 2005

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2005). Is this normal? Boyfriend angry when he does not get sex. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 29, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/05/04/is-this-normal-boyfriend-anger-when-he-does-not-get-sex/