Q. I have been married to this wonderful woman for just over two years. We have been together for 3 1/2. In that time, I have had three instances in which I have been in types of communication which my wife and I consider inappropriate along the lines of being faithful. I have saught short term counseling and somewhat understand the problem, but seem powerless to fix it. My wife, loving and supportive, has borne the brunt of this the first two times, but the last, threatens to break her. (If it hasn’t already.) I am NOT interested in following these contacts to a physical level. However, to read the emails seems to suggest otherwise. In regards to the phone incidents, this was conversation with a married woman who is not interested in a physical or emotional relationship other than on as friends. However, in light of the previous incidents, I do not expect my wife to believe this. What drives my behavior?? I do not wish my wife any disomfort or harm. She is the center of all my affection. We share a family of four children. (two from each of us.) Its crushing to me when this happens. But I could use some advice on what to do to change.. My childhood was one of abuse. But at my age, I do not wish to lay blame for my behavior on this. This is my fourth marriage, with them all ending due to other circumstances. (1. Infidelity of spouse, 2. Age difference of 15 years,3.
Infidelity of spouse.) I also decline to blame my past marriages on this behavior. I’m willing to do whatever is necessary to save my marriage to this woman. No matter what the cost. I really have no other vices, but for some reason, this pattern keeps appearing.

A. Well I think we both know that your behavior is inappropriate. Just because you want to describe it in nice terms does not make it any less inappropriate or in other words, anything less than infidelity, cheating. Cheating does not have to involve sexual intercourse. Cheating just has to involve some sneaking, some mistrust, or some clandestine behaviors. There’s no good face that we can put on this behavior though you do your best to describe it in a very vanilla way. Your behavior is very serious, very threatening to the marriage and definitely needs to be changed. If you can simply accept the fact that this needs to be changed and you can stop it, fine. If not, you are going to need therapy. Who knows what part your behavior may have played in the failure of the other marriages perhaps none at all, perhaps a small part, perhaps a significant part. Also, though you do not want to return to your problems of childhood, it may be necessary to do exactly that. If this behavior is truly uncontrollable on your part, then most certainly you need therapy and the focus may return back to your childhood, to the abuse. Let me close my answer to your questions by saying emphatically that your behaviors are inappropriate. Having one secret phone call, one secret email is equivalent to cheating and your wife has every reason to be upset with you. This seems to be a recurrent behavior problem. She needs to be able to trust you and there is no way you can sugar coat it and say “we are just e-mail friends yet I had to keep it secret, we are just telephone friends but I couldn’t tell you about it”. Anytime you can’t tell someone then you are hiding your behavior and hiding it because you know it will not be acceptable to your partner. I would encourage you to admit to your behavior and the consequences of your actions and if you are unable to stop on your own, get therapy.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 May 2005