Q. Last Tuesday was my girlfriend’s birthday. I took her out for a nice dinner, bought her some clothes, and threw a surprise party for her at a local bar. After the party, we had sex at my place, but because of the alcohol (and because we’re currently using condoms) I had abnormally high stamina. After a while it started to hurt her so we stopped. But I was still extremely turned-on and close to orgasm. I asked her for oral sex but she refused. She doesn’t like giving oral sex and only will “on occasion”. She says it makes her feel vulnerable and submissive. While I understand this, Tuesday night left me feeling very unappreciated and was an ant-climax (no pun intended) to an otherwise great day. Am I being unreasonable? I give her oral sex regularly. Am I expecting too much of her?
A. You both should try to make each other happy sexually. You both should be willing to sacrifice at least to some degree to please the other person. If you are in a monogamous relationship, 100% of your sexual experience will be dependent upon your partner. You may perform oral sex to please her or because you enjoy it, but it would be unfair to you to perform it, if it was very unpleasant to you. She may be being selfish or she many truly find fellatio to be an unpleasant degrading act. A sex therapist may be able to help her. Even if there is no pleasure giving fellatio, she should consider its importance to you and the pleasure it will bring to you, as long as she does not find it to be extremely unpleasant. Think of each others needs but neither of you should be made to endure something you find very unpleasant simply to bring pleasure to the other.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Apr 2005
Randle, K. (2005). Girlfriend’s issue with oral sex. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 14, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/04/11/girlfriends-issue-with-oral-sex/
