Q. My father was killed when I was a small child. My mother remarried a man who really tried to be my dad, but I think I may have shunned him at the time. I was 4 years old at the time she remairried. The year my brother was born, everything changed. He became very mean spirited and rude towards me. It was obvious that he had no use for me , so he stopped trying. I was 8 at the time. I wanted to fit in, and my mother helped, but I think she turned a blind eye when he would make fun of my weight, appearance, credit situation (later on in life). My brother, who is 19 now, and I fought terribly up till a few years ago. My mother is overprotective of him and sometimes doesnt want us to spend any time together, even though we never fight. The other evening my brother and I were talking about some inconsiderate thing our father had done. My mother entered the room and tried to convince my brother to leave and go to sleep. My brother refused her and asked her to leave him alone. She kept pushing, and he kept refusing. I, sensing all heck was about to break loose, stepped in and suggested that she leave him be for a few muintes, that I would see that he get to bed. My mother flew into a rage and told me that I was not helping the situation. I asked her to calm, but she would not. She pointed her finger at me and screamed at the top of her lungs: “You are never even here..When you finally decided to waltz back into this family, all you do is cause problems..YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF THIS FAMILYS PROBLEMS”. She turned to my brother and told him that she would give him his 5 min. She walked out and slammed the door so hard some plaster fell from the ceiling. After she left I turned to my brother, who was crying hysterically at this point, and told him not to worry. That all the anger had now been placed on me, as usual. I advised him to go to bed before she returned. Apparantly she was listening at my door. She flew back into the room and yelled “Dont talk about me behind my back..see, I knew if I left u two alone you would conspire against us”. I told her that we are family, and should be able to talk to each other. I admitted that I was confused as to what the argument was even about. We both begged her to calm so we could resolve the issue. She looked at me and said “Oh look at the Doctor..you think you are soooo smart”. My mother was mocking me for speaking with her like she was human instead of yelling and screaming. She turned and said she was going..she left and slammed the door again. After a few moments, she re-entered the room, told us that she was “out of our lives” and went to bed. This kind of situation is quite common in my home. I love my mother, and know she loves me but I think there is something going on with her. She was very concerned with the fact that my brother was crying, but ignored the fact that I was sobbing and reaching out to her. I feel totally worthless, and don’t know what to do anymore. Could you lend some insight on how to handle these situations? What do you think is going on in my family structure? Does my mother have a problem? Should she speak to someone about it? How can I suggest therapy (if u reccomend it) without her yelling at me? Any help or insight would be appreciated!!
A. In the scenario that you have described, I wish I could see you as totally blameless. Yes, therapy would be a good idea but not just for your mother, but for your entire family. I find it unusual that your 19 year old brother would be crying because your mother yelled at him. I find your mother’s comments to be inappropriate. The whole situation would have to be labeled as “dysfunctional family” interaction. You have admitted that the family’s problems go back to the age of four. You fathers behavior was initially good but then became incorrect. I think it is highly unlikely that you were the only healthy member of your family since the age of four. It’s good that you are sure of your mothers love because that shows the basis of a healthy relationship. I wish you would have also mentioned your father’s love. The family needs to learn how to interact with each other and that can be learned with good family therapy.
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