John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
April 1, 2003Some days, life just gets you to the point where you feel quite down and out. Nothing makes sense and the whole world seems against you. That's how I feel today.
My significant other is having issues with us. Again. This isn't the first time in our short, 6 month relationship. It all started about 3 months ago, when it seemed like we were not connecting as much or as well as we first did. You know how the initial relationship bloom falls off the tree after a few months? Well, that's what I attributed it to. Makes sense, doesn't it? But in January, we had our first major fight (we actually had a smaller fight in December as well, but I attributed that to the stress of the situation and my short-sightedness).
I can't even tell you what it was about. But it was the first time I felt like something wasn't right in our relationship. She said she felt "disconnected" from me, and didn't much like me anymore. Words to that effect. She said she felt angry at me all the time, that I annoyed her. Words she repeated just this morning. I got annoyed at her last night for not coming to bed with me and instead staying up to watch a TV show on DVD, and she got mad at me for repeating what she had said(?). No, really, she did. I mean, I can't imagine how someone repeating what was just said could anger someone, but it did. The conversation went something like this:
"I'm tired so I'm going to bed."
"Okay, well, I want to watch another episode."
"Okay."
"So go to bed if you're tired."
"Okay, I'm going to bed."
I mean, talk about a stupid conversation! But I was tired and that's one of the reasons it was so dumb -- I don't think or speak well when I'm tired like that. And she was emotionally exhausted too, she had had a tough day. I thought, whatever, that's cool, and went to sleep. I mean, it was no big deal, I was annoyed, but I didn't know how much that had set her off.
She said she spent a lot of time crying last night. I woke up this morning and could sense something was wrong. So I asked her, and she told me, and broke down in tears again. I feel sorry for her, bad for us, and not at all optimistic or hopeful for our future together. She seems to want things a very specific, exacting way. Not something I really noticed early on.
But now, looking at this from a step back, I see that when I anger or annoy her, it's mostly because I'm doing something (engaging in some behavior) that she doesn't like. On Friday night, with her 3-year-old nephew, it was because I was "talking too much," and being too childlike. She has a very low tolerence for that sort of thing I've slowly discovered. So I have to suppress my own inner child and my own urges to act "silly" and just be quiet. Then she's angry because I'm being too quiet. "Are you going to act like a 3 year old all night?" in reference to my quietness.
Of course I've learned not to answer in any way that suggests I will. But the real answer is simply this -- I don't know how to act the way that will make her happy. I am just being my natural self, which is sometimes silly, sometimes talkative, sometimes goofy... But she has a low tolerence for all of that. You're supposed to be silly, but only to a point. You're supposed to talk, but not too much (and never during TV or while reading).
Another example... Sunday morning, we're sitting in bed reading the papers. I usually try and keep a pile somewhat organized of the stuff I've finished with reading, but that morning I was a little more lazier than usual. She was leaving very shortly to hang out with some friends, and so our usual routine was a bit interrupted. Perhaps I was annoyed at that, or something, I don't know. But she gets noticeably upset by the fact that the pile I've finished with is askew. And we're not talking about it being all over the bed, simply not in a neat, compact pile.
Maybe I am the man who simply doesn't get it. I don't know. What I do know is that this is insanity, and I don't get this. Maybe I don't want to get it any longer. I didn't feel all that bad when she suggested we needed time apart, that "this wasn't working." A part of me gets upset knowing she feels that way, but a part of me too realizes that I just don't care. I can't change the way she feels, and if that's the way she feels, it's not because of my lack of trying. I bend over backwards and try and give her the world. I feel like what I get in return is a meeting of my physical needs (she cooks dinner nearly every night), but she has forsaken my emotional needs. Perhaps she doesn't realize I have them.
I had great plans for us, and felt -- and still feel -- that we are great together. When she opens up. When she lets me in. When she doesn't close down, shut down, boot me out. It's up to her, as I'm still ready and willing to make a go of this relationship. It has a lot of potential. Long-term. We fit very well in 90% of the areas in our lives. We like the same things, have many of the same sensibilities. And these things are all very important for a relationship's long-term health.
Wish me luck.
Power resides in the moment of transition from a past to a new state.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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